Twerkin’ Tuesday – Miley Cyrus

Hannah Montana - The Sequel. Guest starring Robin Thicke.

Robin Thicke gets all the whores. And he can keep them.

 

So my Facebook and Twitter blew up last night about Miley Cyrus being a whore at the VMA’s, to which I merely responded at first, “… And water’s wet, what else is new?”. But after a lot of people were losing their shit over it, I decided to watch the clip. All I can say is thank you MTV for taking away 6 minutes and 32 seconds of my life. I like to think of myself as a classy man who likes women who know how to flaunt their sexy in a classy way. What I watched was something else in it’s own category. But before I delve into what I actually think about the performance (Yes, I haven’t even begun yet), let’s take a trip back in time and see what led up to Hannah Montana being a dirty Disney whore.

Miley Ray Cyrus, born as Destiny Hope Cyrus, is the daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus (Who’s heart must REALLY be achy and breaky now). She achieved her fame through the hit Disney TV show, Hannah Montana, which was about a girl who lived a double life as a pop star, in order to keep her privacy. The show was a hit for girls (and some boys surprisingly), who idolized Hannah Montana and wanted to be just like her. But as she got older, it became clear that she didn’t want to be known as Hannah Montana. She wanted to be known as Miley Cyrus and over time, tried to shed her image as that Disney icon, by creating more adult-themed music and attempting to start a movie career via The Last Song, which did horribly, and then in LOL, which funnily enough had her play as “Lola,a teenage girl who experiments with drinking, drugs, and various sexual acts.” I’m sure there’s more, but you get the idea.

She was sick of Hannah Montana and she wanted to be someone else apart from that. Then she started “rebelling” big time by cutting her hair really short, making a video of her “twerking”, etc. Why did I put twerking in quotation marks? Because you need an ASS to twerk, Miley. Not a board with a hole in it. An ASS. A big, ghetto poppin’ ass.

See? Squidward's got the idea.

See? Squidward’s got the idea.

 

And then she released We Can’t Stop and all hell broke loose. Seriously, this song is just… I don’t even know what to call it. There are kids who listen to this and sing along to it, not really realizing what the hell they’re listening to. “We like to party, Dancing with Molly” is a straight up drug reference. Molly is another name for ecstasy and I’ve seen 7 year old kids singing that line. Only they think it’s “Dancing with Miley”. Her producers denied this, but when she was asked about it, she said and I quote: “If you’re aged ten Miley. If you know what I’m talking about then you know”. And then there’s the lyric “And everyone in line in the bathroom, Trying to get a line in the bathroom”. Straight up cocaine reference. And 7 year old kids are singing about it. Have fun with that knowledge, parents of the world.

But her latest raunch was pretty much last night at the VMA awards, where she basically gave a performance that would put Britney Spears’ MTV one back in 2007 to shame. This is all I need to say.

Her. Robin Thicke. 2 Chainz. Kendrick Lamar. “Twerking” and Finger Penis. Enough said.

But what REALLY got me was the reactions by some of the other artists there. As MUCH as I hate Drake, I loved the fact that during that “performance”, he’s just got his head to the ground, bobbing it slightly and just giving zero fucks about the performance. Taylor Swift and former Disney Star, Selena Gomez were just like “… Dafaq?”. My girl, Rihanna, was all classy and shit and was like “This bitch ain’t even worth a reaction”. That guy from One Direction, who I can’t be fucked looking up, looked like he needed his mummy to cover his eyes. But the BEST reaction all night was from Will Smith and his family. BUT IT WASN’T EVEN FOR MILEY’S PERFORMANCE! Well I’m just going to imagine that this was the looks on their faces when it was going on.

Easily the BEST reaction of that night

Jada, cancel the damn cable and internet when we get home.

 

So where does the road lead for Miley Cyrus now? In my opinion, it’s probably more songs about drugs and sex, with a possible overdose.

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