The Gym. I have to admit that I haven’t been there for a while, mainly due to the fact that I’m somewhat lazy and poor. The ONLY reason I signed my fat ass back was because Fitness First had a deal where it was $14 a fortnight for your entire contract. I was like: SIGN MY CHEAP ASS UP NOW! But now that I’ve been there for a couple of weeks, I find that it was probably one of the best decisions that I have ever made. I’m jogging for longer, I feel stronger, and I just feel good in general. But why would this blog post be categorized as a Rant? Should it not be under Bullshit, or Review? Well just because I enjoy going to the gym, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t some things that piss me off about it. A lot. So let’s delve into the things that REALLY do annoy me about the Gym.
The Locker Rooms & Showers
Ok, I’m just going to get this one over and done with, because it’s one of my biggest peeves. Old Guys… Cover your dicks up. For the love of God, cover up your sausage and meatballs. I am SO sick of walking into the Locker Rooms and BAM! Old man dick. I previously stated that in my Big Brother review that I’m not a prude and can handle nudity, but when your balls are basically about to touch the floor… That’s just nasty. I’m also not a fan of people talking to me while I’m naked in the showers. Now I am SO thankful that my gym has cubicles for showers, so that I get some level of privacy. I’ll never forget that ONE time a couple of years ago, where I had to shower in a open shower where everyone could see everything and it was the worst experience I ever had.
I’m freakin’ naked and cleaning myself, I do NOT want to talk to you about what you’re doing this weekend. I want my body clean so I get the fuck out of there. And for the love of God, do NOT bend over to pick up your shampoo. NO one wants to see the hole in your ass. Needless to say, I walked home smelling like sweat and such to have a shower at home, because fuck that shit. Also, I hate when you have the ONE guy who just stares at you whilst you’re getting dressed. Look, buddy, I know that I’m in the making to be God’s Gift to mankind but I don’t feel comfortable with you looking at me while I’ve got a towel on, trying to pull on a pair of undies. Seriously, I know I have a sexy ass and all, but that’s for women to perv at, not you dude.
So to clarify the above into a single sentence:
When I’m naked, you leave me alone.
I also hate the guys who for some reason will constantly flex in the mirrors, checking themselves out. I get it. You’re fit. You have abs, I have flabs. Stop being a narcissistic asshole and rubbing it in my face. I’m sure that your Instagram can wait until you’ve at least got some pants on, not standing there, naked, in a towel that will fall down occasionally.
The Screamers & Grunters
I freakin’ hate the guys that scream like this is an episode of Dragon Ball Z. I mean, seriously… I know that it’s all an effect of ‘Roid Rage, but still… There ARE other people in the gym who are genuinely trying to do a proper work out. You know, the ones where you have to concentrate on what you’re doing to get the best results. We don’t need to hear you trying to go Super Saiyan in the corner. That and the grunters. I know that after Leg Day, it’s hard to take a shit, but I’m sure that you’re not trying to take one in the middle of your work-out. I know that you’re probably trying to do that 200+kg bench-press as hard as you can, but surely you’re not trying to drop a log at the same time? Although, to be fair, I can put up with the grunters a lot more than the screamers. The grunters at the very least are the ones who trying to keep quiet while doing their work-out. The screamers can even breach the sound-blocking headphones that I have on, with my music blasting at full strength. And trust me, that’s a VERY difficult thing to accomplish with my headphones (Shout-out to Samsung for making EPIC headphones).
The Ones Who Do Nothing/The Ones Who Hog The Equipment
… You know what, I don’t even. Why the FUCK are you coming to the gym when ALL you’re doing is sitting on a bench, that someone could be using to work out, texting someone on your phone or playing Candy Crush? I mean, seriously. You’re wasting your money that you could use to buy McDonalds, or to pay for your World of Warcraft account. You’re also taking up space that could of been used by someone who actually WANTS to work out. This goes for the guys who take like 10 minutes for their breaks between sets. I get it, your body is in pain and you want to be comfortable for your next set. That doesn’t mean that you stand in the squat area, on your phone, and telling other people to fuck off because you still have another set or two to work on… While we’ve been waiting 5 minutes so far. If you’re not going to use the equipment, please move aside so that someone else can use it.
This also applies for the guys who work out too much on a single thing as well. It’s one thing to just sit there and not do anything with it, but when you’re constantly using the machine or rack… It’s kind of annoying. I mean, I get that you’re trying to get an effective work out by utilizing the machine to it’s full extent, but there are other people in the gym and not enough equipment for everyone. Seriously, do like 3 sets of 2 exercises, go do something else, come back and do another 2 exercises, and repeat the process until you’re done with it. In this instance Sharing is Caring, guys.
Every gym has that idiot who has no idea what the fuck they’re doing. I get that if you’re there for the first time, naturally you’re going to make mistakes. But in all seriousness, as if you don’t know the Gym Etiquette from all the memes that are up on the Internet at the moment. The BIGGEST No No at the gym is using the Squat Rack for Curls. Seriously, I did this ONCE when I first started at the gym back in 2010. I could FEEL the death-glares coming from every direction. My friend just watched in horror as he was like “… The FUCK are you doing?! Are you insane? Do you WANT to die?”. I never realized why it was a big thing, until I found out that there were proper Curl Racks for these guys to Curl in. And then, when I finally saw this one idiot who was a regular at the gym doing the same thing, I gave a death-glare of my own. It’s sad how something as trivial as doing curls in the squat rack is considered the worst taboo ever, and yet screaming at the top of your lungs is perfectly fine.
I also hate those idiots who use equipment completely wrong. I mean, there are fucking instructions on the machine itself. Why would you NOT use it to it’s full capacity by following those instructions? And then they end up hurting themselves because they didn’t do the exercise right. Well maybe you should learn to fucking read, you moron. I also hate those people who ask you to spot them while I’m the middle of a work-out. I mean, I’m doing a set of 8 reps for bench-press, and I have someone asking me on my 4th rep, “Hey bro, can you spot me for my set?” My usual response is “Sure thing bro, just let me finish up this set first”, but what I really want to say is, “GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME BEFORE I SHOVE THIS OLYMPIC BAR UP YOUR ASS TO THE POINT WHERE IT’LL COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!”
… Yeah, I have an anger problem when it comes to idiots…
Hot Girls at the gym should be a fucking Safety Hazard. You have NO idea how many guys I’ve seen nearly drop the bench-press and potentially kill themselves because a hot girl has walked past them. I’ll admit that I’ve been a victim to this as well. It’s even worse when you’re doing a bench-press, hot girl walks past, and you can’t help but get happy in the pants… If you know what I mean… Especially when they’re watching you work out. Thank God for Skins and their ability to hide those embarrassing moments. But girls… Stop flaunting your sexy around and then complain about not being able to work out because all the boys are looking at your ass when you do squats. If it’s THAT big of an issue, go to the section of the gym where it’s ladies only. Because if you’re going to walk around in short shorts and a sports bra, you WILL get perved on. And that’s not me being a sexist pig, that’s Science.
Think about it. Guys are working out. We’ve got testosterone flowing throughout our bodies at the moment. We see a hot girl walking past and IMMEDIATELY we switch into Mating Mode. And by Mating Mode, I mean that we’re going to anything we can to try and pick you up and get laid. It’s not 100% due to sexism, it’s due to our hormones. And you girls aren’t perfect either. Science dictates that women actually find the scent of a man’s sweat somewhat alluring and are drawn to it. You can deny this all you want, but let’s face it. Science is never wrong.
The Gym is easily one of my favorite places to be. It’s a good place to relieve some stress, as well as a chance for me to make myself fitter and healthier, which will result in a longer life. But like every good thing, there’s always something there to fuck it up.