I”M BACK, BITCHES!
I know, I know… All 5 people who read this blog were probably wondering where I went for all this time. Well, let’s just say that:
– Full Time Work
– Killing motherfuckers in Skyrim
Seriously, you have NOT lived until you use the Open Cities Mod on Skyrim, and bombard Whiterun with Dragons. And you just sit back and watch the carnage… But I suppose you guys read the title and are wanting my review. Sure thing, let’s get started!
Before you continue, for obvious reasons, there WILL be spoilers. If you read ahead, please don’t bitch to me about it, kthanx.
So for those who haven’t seen Transformers 1-3… Too bad, because I ain’t glossing over that shit. I’ll probably do a review of them at SOME point in time… Maybe, kinda, not really. But anyways, the movie starts off with the truth of how the Dinosaurs were wiped out… Fucking alien bombs that turn organic material to metal. Have to admit, was cool. Cut then to a geologist finding one of the metallic fossils, claiming that history is about to be changed. We learn that due to the events of Transformers 3, the Autobots have been branded as fugitives and the world has been taught to fear them. We see an Autobot getting attacked by humans, under the command of a Transformer named Lockdown.
Cut to Mark Wahlberg finding an old battered up truck in a theater and taking it back to his farm, in order to scrap it for parts. Turns out that he’s a dead-beat dad, doing everything he can for his daughte… Wait. Wait, wait, wait… IS THAT KATARA FROM THE LAST AIRBENDER MOVIE?! Oh god, this is going to be fucking… Holy shit, when did Nicola Peltz get hot?
What? I’m a guy. She’s hot, therefore I can’t hate on her acting skills, despite how bad they were in that movie that must never be named again.
Anyways, turns out Katara went from being a depressing waterbender to a hot teenager who is more of an adult than her father. We get some dialogue between the two, along with Wahlberg’s employee, who I swear to God looks like he just done smoking a few joints. Anyways, after some experimenting, Wahlberg deduces that the truck is a Transformer. Stoner employee wants to call the government to cash in on finding a Transformer, but Wahlberg wants to repair it first, before calling them in. The Transformer is revealed to be Optimus Prime and he is PISSED at humans for hunting his friends. Wahlberg manages to calm him down enough, to say that he’s going to repair him. Stoner Employee ends up calling the government, who attack Wahlberg and his daughter in an attempt to get information on where the Transformer is hidden. As they’re about to kill Katara (I know that’s not her name, but that’s all I remember her for), Prime busts out to save them.
We get a chase scene, where Katara’s race0car boyfriend, who Wahlberg knows nothing about, drives them to safety. Prime is attacked by Lockdown and in an attempt to stop them, Lockdown throws a bomb to them that turns anything it touches into metal. Stoner Employee is killed as a result, and let’s face it… No one gives a fuck about this guy, he wasn’t even in the trailers.
Optimus Prime takes the 3 to the 4 remaining Autobots, where they decide to take action against the humans who decided to fuck with them. Because… That’s not contradictory to the last 3 movies at all, is it? Anyways, Wahlberg hacks a government drone and learns of the fates of the missing Autobots. How Wahlberg is able to hack FUCKING GOVERNMENT TECHNOLOGY and yet be unable to program his own machinery properly is TOTALLY beyond me… But then I remembered that this is a Michael Bay movie and that I have to get into the “Just roll with it” mentality.
We cut to some human technology corporation thingy where scientists have been able to manipulate the material that Transformers are made of, giving them the means to create their own Transformers. They also have a little Transformer locked up to help them, because fuck you and your kind, that’s why. Being a corporate business with no soul, they’ve teamed up with the Government and have been killing Transformers to harvest the metal they’re made of, in order to make their own Transformers. Their piece de résistance is a Transformer named Galvatron. If the name sounds familiar, it’s probably because they used Megatron’s data to create him.
Really, Government? I mean… Really? You’re using the fucking head of one of the most dangerous Transformers out there… You know, the guy who fucking killed Optimus Prime once… Tried to destroy our sun… Fucked up Chicago… You know… THAT guy. God… I can see where this is going already, thanks Michael Bay for insulting my intelligence further.
Anyways, the Autobots find the government lab and break into it. Now… There is a funny scene here where Bumblebee stumbles upon the Human-Made Transformer that’s modeled after him, complete with ads saying how much better this bot is compared to Bumblebee. He gets pissed off and trashes it, complete with a radio playing of “Can’t Touch This”. I have to admit, I laughed.
… What? I’m allowed to laugh at stupid things.
Anyways, the Autobots see the humans melting down one of their friends’ head and then go ape-shit on the place, breaking out the little Transformer who was helping the humans. The head of the company, who isn’t Government Evil Dude, tells them that they’re pretty just shit and that humans are capable of making better Transformers than them. The Autobots then leave. Yeah… They just leave. All that shit about making humans pay for killing their friends? Apparently all you have to do is tell them that they’re obsolete and then they’ll just fuck off.
The Company dude sets Galvatron and Fake-Bumblebee onto the Autobots and a battle ensues. Galvatron is showing signs of resistance to the human control, as he acts very Megatron-ish when taking down Optimus. Lockdown then appears and captures Optimus Prime, along with Katara, and takes them to his ship. Optimus is thrown into a room where Lockdown imprisons him, telling him that their Creators (AKA Hasbro) want him back, since he wasn’t following what he was built to do.
Evil Government Dude is given a Seed by Lockdown as payment for helping him catch Optimus Prime. You remember how the dinosaurs got killed by bombs that turn organic shit into metal? Yeah, that’s what the Seed is. A bomb that does that. Turns out that they’re going to use it to make more Transformer metal to make more Transformers with. The Autobots, along with Wahlberg and Katara’s Boyfriend, break into Lockdown’s ship and free Optimus before Lockdown travels into Deep Space.
Once safely away from Lockdown, the little Transformer they saved reveals that Galvatron is Megatron reincarnated (NO FUCKING SHIT) and plans to use the human-made Transformers to set the Seed off in a large city to announce his return. It also turns out that the little bastard knew about this and did nothing, because fuck you humans. However, Wahlberg is against humans being killed off, so he warns the Company Guy who manages to steal the Seed and travel to Beijing, thus pissing off the Evil Government Dude.
And before I continue, I am NOT going to refer to them by name. This movie does a fantastic job of making the government look like stereotypical bad guys from a Saturday morning Cartoon… I mean… Black Cars… Black Trenchcoats… Shady Black Shades… I mean… Could you NOT make the bad guys more obvious, Mr. Bay? If you’re not going to put effort into your movies, I’m not going to put effort into reviewing them, ‘k thanks.
Anyways, Galvatron decides to boot up and starts an assault on Beijing to find the Seed by corrupting all the Human-Made Transformers. They obviously didn’t have McAfee installed. Regardless, a large fight breaks out between the Autobots and the new Decepticons when the spaceship they used to escape from Lockdown is taken out. Optimus, knowing that they need more help, decides to get help from the Legendary Warriors that Lockdown had locked away with Optimus.
Cue the fucking Dino-Bots.
These guys are the best part of this whole movie. I am not kidding, the Dinobots ALONE are worth the money you paid for your movie ticket. Why? BECAUSE A MOTHERFUCKING METAL T-REX BREATHING FIRE, that’s why. If we had a whole movie about these motherfucking Dinobots, I’d cease to function due to my life being complete.
So Optimus frees the Dinobots and after some resistance, manages to convince them to help him and then RIDES INTO BATTLE ON THE T-REX!
The Dinobots kick some ass until Lockdown decides to return to fuck everything up. Seems that he found out that Optimus escaped and thinks that the humans are the ones responsible. So he uses his spaceship to suck up all the metal in the city, including our heroes. They manage to destroy the magnetic weapon, before Optimus and Lockdown throw down (Yes, that was on purpose, shut the fuck up about it). They fight until Optimus sees Wahlberg being held at gunpoint by Evil Government Dude. Optimus kills him, giving Lockdown a chance to stab Optimus with his own sword. However, with the help of the humans, Optimus manages to defeat Lockdown. Galvatron, watching all of this, decides to retreat for now, vowing to take down Optimus another time… Because let’s face it, as long as the toys sell, Michael Bay will have money to make more movies.
After setting the Dinobots free, Optimus decides to pull a Poochie and fly away from Earth with the Seed, sending a message to his Creators that he’s coming for them… No I’m being serious. He LITERALLY pulls a Poochie.
And the movie ends.
Um… What the fuck, Michael Bay? Seriously? What compelled you to continue making Transformers movies? This movie is bad, people. Really bad. Of course, there are some good bits in there, like the motherfucking Dinobots, but you only see them for about 15 minutes, and most of the shots aren’t exactly focused on them. It’s sad to see a movie that pulls at my nostalgia strings, fuck up this badly. I mean… Rotten Tomatoes gave this movie 17%. That’s pretty low, people. But then again, when you have the equivalent of Saturday Cartoon villains as the Government, blatant plot devices, and just bad dialogue…
… I think the review speaks for itself.
3/10 – The Dinobots are the only reason this movie isn’t zero