Deep Blue Sea – Review (Spoilers, obviously)

I'm about to be eaten by a shark... But first...  Let me take a selfie!

I’m about to be eaten by a shark… But first…
Let me take a selfie!

Hello, I’m not the Nostalgia Critic. I don’t remember things because fuck you, that’s why.

Ok, in all seriousness, this is not a rip-off of the Nostalgia Critic or anything, it’s just that I don’t actually get around to watching movies in the cinema that often and, more or less, I prefer to review a movie AFTER the DVD/Blu-Ray release has been released. So, in an effort to bring more material, I’m going back in time to re-watch some of the older movies that I’ve seen growing up, and then doing a review about them. So don’t think of this as a Nostalgic Review… Think of it as a review based on nostalgic material.

Confused yet? Good. That was my reaction to this movie. Now, I’ve grown up OBSESSED with sharks. I’ve read about them, studied them, and know my shit when it comes to sharks. The guys who made this movie? No fucking idea. So you will see me putting that knowledge to use when I tell you what’s wrong with this movie. And as with all my reviews, there are spoilers in here obviously.

This, is Deep Blue Sea.

The movie opens up with a bunch of teens getting wasted on a boat in an obvious pool inside of a studio. Get used to me bitching about the obvious sets, there are a LOT of those in this movie. During the party, the boat rocks a bit and spooks some of the teens. A bottle of wine gets knocked over, pouring the red liquid into the water. And here is my first nitpick of this movie. The way the wine looks in the water, the movie guys are trying to make it look like blood. Um, let me break it down for you, guys. Sharks know the difference between blood and wine. Two examples:
A) Two-thirds of a shark’s brain is dedicated to its sense of smell.
B) If you put a Lemon Shark into an Olympic sized pool and put a SINGLE drop of blood, he’ll find that fucker.
Wine does not equal blood, movie. Get your shit right. Mind you, this is literally two minutes into the movie.

God, I’m going to need a fuckton of vodka for this.

Anyways, the shark breaks through the middle of the boat and knocks the teens into the water. They’re about to be eaten, before they’re saved by the Punisher himself, Thomas Jane.

You killed my family, Shark Prepare to die

You killed my family, Shark
Prepare to die

Cut to a boardroom where out leading lady, Saffron Burrows, is having a meeting with some CEO guy and Nick Fu, I mean Samuel L Jackson, about the shark getting loose from the compound. We also learn that they’re using the sharks as a means to find a cure for Alzheimer’s Disease. She gives herself 48 hours to produce results or she’ll give up the project, with Jackson agrees to. We then travel to the compound where we’re treated to Jane pulling an impossible move to get a license plate out of a shark’s mouth. Seriously, this guy has to be Aqua-Man to pull this shit off. There is NO way a Human Being can generate enough power, underwater mind you, to thrust himself out of a shark traveling at high speeds towards them. In Soviet Russia, Physics are broken by YOU! Anyways, we get to meet the other characters and get some exposition about what the plot is about so far. We have LL Cool J who’s the religious chef with a smart-ass parrot. We have Stellan Skarsgard being introduced as he’s pissing into the wind, as Stellan Skarsgard should be introduced, along with Jacqueline McKenzie as his fuck-buddy. We have Michael Rapaport as the nerd, and Aida Turturro as the bitch in the watch-tower who just stays in there for most of the movie.

We also learn that the test sharks are very different to regular sharks, as they’ve had their brain capacities increased in order to harvest protein for research, which is giving them enhanced intelligence as the sharks are behaving very differently now, such hunting in groups.

And this is nitpick number 2. The movie has made it clear that the sharks are Mako Sharks. For those of you who are not educated in Shark Biology, allow me to show you what a Mako Shark looks like.

An actual Shortfin Mako Shark

An actual Shortfin Mako Shark

This is what the movie gives us.

Movie's version of a Mako Shark

Movie’s version of a Mako Shark

See the difference? No? Well allow me to show you this.

Great White Shark

Great White Shark

A FUCKING GREAT WHITE SHARK! They make the Mako Sharks in their movies look like GREAT WHITE SHARKS! I mean… Come on, Movie. Yes, the audience isn’t going to be well-educated about sharks and the different types of sharks out there… But please don’t insult our intelligence by showing us one species of Shark when it’s actually another, completely different species of Shark altogether. It’s like showing a black guy and calling him white. THERE IS A FUCKING DIFFERENCE!

… Anyways…

Burrows’ birthday is happening and Jackson inquires about the sharks and how they’ve managed to get so far without genetic tampering, which is obviously going to be proven wrong at some point because the movie makes it obvious. We get some dialogue between Burrows and Jane and we see that Burrows has the personality of a rock. Seriously, lady, it’s your fucking birthday and you have probably the hottest guy in your oceanic lab asking you out. Stop being so hellbent on your research and fuck him already. Anyways, Jane asks Rapaport to raise the height of the fences surrounding the compound, since he thinks the shark got out by jumping over it.

Nitpick 3: Mako Sharks are capable of leaping about 20 feet into the air, since they’re the fastest of all the shark species. Raising the fences ain’t going to do SHIT  unless they’re about 30-40 feet high. Jane thinks a few more feet higher will stop a Mako from getting over. HAH! Good luck with that, pal.

Anyways, we cut to the big day where they’re testing to see if all their research amounted to anything. The watchtower lady informs us that a storm is coming while they all prep for the procedure. Jane goes into a metal framed tunnel to lure the sharks out and two attack at the same time, shocking the scientists about how synchronized they are. Jane raises his gun, only to see the sharks swim backwards for a moment before leaving. The scientists are shocked that the sharks were able to recognize the gun, as well as swim backwards. Good thing they’re as shocked as I am, because it is physically impossible for sharks to swim backwards. Higher brain function can NOT change that. If water goes backwards through gills, the shark will literally drown. Regardless, the sharks begin to take out all the cameras in the water, scaring the scientists some more. Jane goes out of the tunnel’s safety and manages to lure a shark into a trap, shooting it with a tranquilizer gun.

Oh hai, are you interested in learning about what happens when a human is eaten by a shark?

Oh hai, are you interested in learning about what happens when a human is eaten by a shark?

Jane then uses his apparently super-human strength to get the shark onto a loading bay where it’s taken into the lab, where it’s kept alive in a pool of water that’s jetting water into it’s mouth so it’s gills can work. The scientists take out some of the brain matter and sees that their project is a success. Skarsgard gets too close to the shark as it suddenly awakens and bites his arm off. In the panic, Jane reaches for his shot-gun to kill the shark, only for Burrows to release it since she knows the sharks now have the cure that she was hoping for. Skarsgard is loaded into a helicopter, which came out of nowhere, seeing as how a massive storm is raging outside and no more than a few minutes had passed since they called for one. Seriously, is this helicopter traveling at supersonic speeds or something? Anyways, the scientists hook up Skarsgard’s gulley to the helicopter via cables and then host him up. Due to the storm, Skarsgard’s gulley dangles too much and he falls into the water below. The scientists make their way back to the lab to try to see where he went. The sharks grab Skarsgard underwater and, since he’s wired up to the helicopter still, manage to drag the helicopter into the facility, thus destroying the helicopter and damaging most of the compound, resulting in flooding in some areas. Watch-tower Lady is killed, but no one gives a fuck.

LL Cool J, having been in the kitchens the whole time on another level, freaks out about the explosion which rocks the facility as the scientists are thrown about in the laboratory by the force of the explosion. After gathering themselves, the scientists try to contact Watch-Tower Lady, unaware that she’s dead. They soon discover one of the sharks swimming towards the huge glass window in the lab, pushing Skarsgard’s gulley towards them at high speed. The shark forces the gulley into the window, shattering it and filling the lab with water. The scientists make it out and seal the lab doors to prevent the rest of the facility flooding. They also come to realize that with the elevators sealed and the stairway flooded, they can’t escape.

Oh hell no, I am NOT going to do another duet with J-Lo. I'd rather be eaten by the sharks.

Oh hell no, I am NOT going to do another duet with J-Lo. I’d rather be eaten by the sharks.

LL Cool J in the mean time, is wandering around the level he’s stuck on, trying to find any of the survivors. He’s religious, so naturally talking to God helps him feel better. Too bad God’s a dick, because as soon as he finds a set of stairs that AREN’T flooded… Motherfucker gets shit-loads of water thrown onto him. Now, I’m not going to lie. I saw that scene and thought “God damn, that must’ve been awesome to film…”. Anyways, we cut back to the others, who hear a door banging. They realize the room is flooded and the banging is coming from a shark. They escape into a non-flooded maintenance area, sealing the door behind them to prevent it from being banged open… Wait. Wait, wait, wait…

How the fuck is there a way out of that level, when they just established that there was no way off that level? Elevator was sealed to prevent water flooding it and the stairs were flooded. What the fuck, movie? CONSISTENCY!

Anyways, Jackson is not pleased that a shark was able to bang it’s way through a steel door. Burrows reveals that her and Skarsgard broke the law to increase the shark’s brain size to harvest more protein from them, which resulted in them getting smarter. Well… Not really reveal, since the clues have been there throughout the whole fucking movie. The other scientists are visibly upset as Skarsgard’s fuck buddy is pissed off that Burrows’ creations killed her boyfriend, and Jane is pissed because he feels used. They decide to get a move on and we cut back to LL Cool J, who’s wandering the conveniently half-flooded hallways looking for his pet bird. Yeah, because when you’re stuck in a flooded underwater lab, first thing you think of is finding your fucking pet bird. Dude, fuck the bird and get out of there! Well, because of his stupidity, he runs into a shark and wades away from it as fast as he can.

Nitpick 3:
HUMANS CAN NOT OUTRUN A SHARK IN THE WATER! Movie, are you fucking high? You HONESTLY expect us to believe that a man half-submerged in the water can out-wade a shark that is swimming at him full force? MAKO SHARKS ARE THE FUCKING FASTEST SPECIES OF SHARK! It’s like comparing a snail to Sonic the Hedgehog, there’s not fucking competition. In waist-deep water, sharks can swim quite fast, let alone the fucking fastest of them. LOGIC, MOVIE! FUCKING LOGIC!

Oh HELL no, I am NOT going to be the first brother to die in this movie.

Oh HELL no, I am NOT going to be the first brother to die in this shitty movie.

God… Anyways… LL Cool J manages to hide in the kitchens where he finds his pet bird, sitting on a floating pot. He tries to reach for it, but the shark attacks, eating the bird in the process. LL Cool J grabs a nearby fire axe and hides in a nearby oven as the shark rams into it to try to get at him. The shark’s ramming causes the splashing water to turn the dial of the oven on and LL Cool J doesn’t feel so cool in there. He gets pissed off and starts comparing himself to biblical characters as he cuts through the top of the oven to escape from it as the shark breaks through the glass.

So wait… The sharks can bust through a steel door that’s sealed in place, but they can’t break thin glass easily? God damn it, Movie…

LL Cool J busts through the top of the oven as the room begins to fill with gas. He manages to get out of the room in time as the shark realizes that he’s not in the oven anymore. He then lights his lighter up and throws it into the gas-filled kitchen, blowing up the shark and rocking the facility.

… OK, I’m calling bullshit.
A) The room needs more than a few seconds to fill up with enough gas for an open flame to cause an explosion like that.
B) The lighter should’ve blown up LL Cool J when it lit up, not be on standby until it hits the shark’s nose.
C) The explosion shouldn’t of been powerful enough for the scientists to feel it on the bottom level.

Movie, you REALLY like insulting my intelligence, don’t you?

We then cut back to the scientists who have managed to get to the lowest level of the facility through the magic maintenance shaft, in effort to use the submarine to get to the surface. Sucks for them, because the sub is destroyed and Jackson suggest they swim out. The nerd shuts that idea down by stating that humans swim at 2 feet per second on average, while sharks swim at 50 feet per second on average.

… THANK YOU! You just proved my point about how LL Cool J’s escape from the shark when he first saw it was bullshit, Movie. Thank you for being hypocritical.

So, in typical Samuel L Jackson fashion, Jackson gives an epic speech about he’s sick of these motherfucking sharks in this motherfucking facility… Until this happens.

I mean… That shark LITERALLY cut him off as he was about to get to the most epic part of his speech… Kinda like Kanye West with Taylor Swift…

Anyways, the scientists decide to go up the elevator shaft, despite that opening it will result in the air pressure weakening enough for the ocean to completely flood the facility. They seal off the the door to prevent the water from filling the shaft, as well as prevent the sharks from following, which is to no avail as the sharks’ super strength bust the steel doors down and the shaft begins to fill with water. The ladder breaks and McKenzie falls into the water and is devoured by the shark. As the shaft fills and all hope is gone, LL Cool J comes to save the day.

Black Jesus saves the day He also brought the chicken

Because LL Cool J doesn’t need any more of an inflated ego

So after the scientists are saved, Jane and Rapaport decide to empty out a stairway full of water by diving into the lab that was first flooded. They make their way down, running to Skarsgard’s drowned corpse along the way and manage to successfully turn on the power to empty the stairs…

Only for the shark to come at the last second and slam Rapaport into the electricity board, killing that plan along with Rapaport.

While all this is going on, Burrows decides to head to her room to get her research data, so that this whole movie’s plot isn’t a waste. She finds that her room is halfway flooded (convenient), and that she’s not alone. She pulls an LL Cool J and is able to break physics enough to wade away from a “Mako” shark enough to strip off her rubber suit and break off a live wire to throw into the water, killing the shark and protecting herself from electric shock.

Bullshit call #2: Why is that shark that killed Rapaport still alive after slamming something into a live electricity board? I mean, the fucking power was on and water conducts electricity. Sure, there’s a fuckton of ocean for it to disperse through, but the shark was RIGHT at the source of the electricity. Burrows killed the shark with electricity by throwing a live wire into it’s fucking mouth. I mean… FUCK, movie!

Water + Electricity = Bad times. Hell, even POKEMON is consist enough to get this right. And this is the anime that makes a clash of bubbles and leaves result in an explosion.

PHYSICS, MOVIE! DO YOU EVEN FUCKING PHYSICS?

God… Damn it…

Anyways… Burrows discovers that her data was destroyed by the shark being electrocuted and then heads back to rejoin the others. They head to an airlock chamber where they decide to swim out to the surface, which is about 60 feet. They use fire extinguishers attached to life vests to distract the last shark as they make it to the surface. Burrows and Jane make it out of the water as Cool J is snatched by the shark. But since this movie already killed one black guy, Cool J escapes the shark’s jaws by stabbing it in the eye with his Cross and makes it out the water.

I AIN'T BEING A DEAD BLACK MAN IN A MOVIE TODAY!

OH HELL NO, I AIN’T BEING A DEAD BLACK MAN IN A MOVIE TODAY!

As Jane and Burrows watch over the destroyed facility sinking into the water, they finally realize what the shark wants. Freedom. The facility’s fences are titanium underwater, but on top they’re steel. The sharks were herding them to sink the facility in order to escape through the regular fence…

Bullshit Call #3: Same as Nitpick 3. Mako Sharks are capable of leaping about 20 feet into the air, since they’re the fastest of all the shark species. THE SHARKS COULD HAVE JUST LEAPED THE FENCE WITHOUT DOING ANYTHING!

Thank God, this is nearly over…

Anyways, Burrows decides that it’s time for the Shark to die and Jane comes up with an idea to use a lot of flare powder in a dart that has a wire attached to it. Once the shark is shot, the wire is tapped onto a battery and it blows up. … I’m not even going to go into how stupid this idea is. Why? Because MythBusters beat me to it already. Jane can’t land the shot because the shark is too far, so Burrows decides to cut her hand and make herself bait. It works and the shark comes up to her… Only for her realize that she’s trapped in the water and the shark eats her ass.

Hot damn, having this bitch for dinner.

I know you created me and all… But OM NOM NOM!

Jane, having dived to try to save her, is now stuck in the water as well. But he evades the shark’s bite and grabs onto it’s dorsal fin as he rides the shark underwater, the shark trying to shake him off. Cool J manages to recover himself enough to grab the gun with the dart and shoots the shark, only to hit Jane as well, pinning him to the shark. As the shark swims away, Cool J debates whether to kill Jane with the shark. Jane gets ripped off the shark as it escapes and Cool J taps the wire on the battery just as it’s about to unfurl all the way. The shark blows up and Jane survives.

They both wait as the next shift sail in to pick them up.

And the movie ends…

That's basically what I thought of this movie

That’s basically what I thought of this movie

I mean… Wow… Just… This is a bad movie, people. It’s bad. The acting is somewhat OK, but for a movie based on sharks, this is so ridiculous that it’s not even funny. I mean… GREAT WHITE SHARKS! THEY WERE FUCKING GREAT WHITE SHARKS! Why would you call a blatantly obvious thing something else entirely? I mean…. THE FUCK? And the amount of bullshit physics in this movie is ridiculous… Humans wading faster than a shark swimming at full speed… Just… Fuck this movie, guys. Fuck this movie.

My Verdict

A piece of fucking shark shit.

2/10 – Sleeping with the fucking Fishes

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