Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens Review (Spoilers, Duh)


Star Wars. Oh my fucking God, you have no idea how hyped I am for this movie. I grew up watching the original trilogy, which I fucking loved, and while the prequels weren’t the best, I did enjoy them. Especially the Lightsaber fights in the prequels. So naturally when I found out that this movie was coming out, my inner child was jumping up and down, screaming like a Japanese Fan Girl. For months I was hyped and as more details came out about the story, I got more and more excited.

And then someone fucking spoiled it for me on the first day it was released.


If only I could’ve done this…

Seriously, I was so fucking pissed off. So in my rage, I decided that I wouldn’t watch the movie. I thought “Fuck it, I’m out. Fuck this shit, I’m waiting until Blu-Ray”. And until last week, I held strong to that belief. I was on the Dark Side, and I felt the call to the Light… And then I caved in. I went to go see the movie. And God damn, it was awesome… So, let’s get the plot over and done with firstly.


The Plot

Best opening ever

The cheers when this came on the screen

We begin our story on the planet Jakku (Totally not a rip off of Tatooine) where Stormtroppers are invading a village, searching for a Resistance pilot named Poe who’s got a droid that has a piece of a map that’ll allow the Resistance to find Luke Skywalker, who’s gone missing. The First Order (Not the Empire) manage to find Poe after he fires at who appears to be the leader… Who stops the blaster bolt in mid air with the Force.

… Wait. Wait, wait, wait… He fucking stops a Blaster Bolt… Mid-Air… Using the Force… OP Confirmed.

He takes Poe and using the Force, is able to extract thoughts from Poe and learn that the droid has the Skywalker Map on it. During this time, one Stormtrooper named  FN-2187 watches his friend die and has a change of heart about the First Order. He decides to free Poe from the First Order and they escape back to Jakku, only to be shot down upon entering the planet. FN-2187, now dubbed Finn by Poe, watches as their ship is pulled into quick sand and blow up, assuming Poe has died.

During this time, we see Rey, the scavenger, doing her thing in an old destroyed Empire battleship. She manages to get some parts, sells them, and then she comes across the droid Poe was protecting, named BB-8. While she’s reluctant at first, she decides to keep the droid. She’s asked to sell BB-8, refusing to do so. She’s then attacked by bandits who want to steal the droid, only to kick their asses as Finn watches. They meet and Finn lies to her, claiming he’s with the Resistance.

They’re then attacked by the First Order, 2 Tie Fighters firing upon the village. The trio attempt to escape on a ship, only for it to be destroyed. They’re then forced to use the “rubbish ship” which turns out to be none other than…



I nearly fucking screamed out in joy when I saw these guys trying to escape in the Millennium Falcon. So many questions entered my mind about why it was there, what happened with Han, etc. But it was a fun scene to watch. Using the debris of old Empire ships as cover to outrun the First Order was brilliant. None the less, the heroes manage to destroy the Tie Fighters and escape into space.

So naturally, the Stormtroopers have to report to Kylo Ren about how they lost them and when the guy mentions that Finn was one of the escapees, Kylo has a tantrum about it. No, seriously. He has a fucking tantrum. Were it not for the fact he’s powerful enough to stop a blaster bolt in mid-air, I’d be tearing up with laughter.


It’s like watching a 2 year old go ape shit over not getting a toy

Regardless, he also learns about that BB-8 and Finn were helped by a girl, prompting Kylo to inquire about her.

Back on the Falcon, Finn and Rey are trying to stop the ship from breaking down, and we see some cute chemistry between Finn and Rey. Seriously, if these two don’t fuck by the end of this new trilogy, I’ll be incredibly disappointed. Regardless, Finn spills the beans to BB-8 that he’s not with the resistance and promises to get the Droid there, if it vouches for him with Rey.

We also learn that Rey is hesitant to leave Jakku, since she’s got the deluded belief that her family will be returning for her.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait… This white bitch got left on an alien planet by her family who pretty much pulled the “I’m going to the store to buy milk, I’ll be back” line. Huh, guess it’s not just black gangsters named Tyrone who go through this after all. #RacistStereotyping

Regardless, the ship is locked onto & the controls are over-written to prevent their escape. They hide in the Falcon’s smuggling bay, and we discover that the ship has been taken over non-other than…


Aaaaaand cue the cheers from everyone in the fucking cinema

HAN SOLO AND CHEWIE! Oh my god, the cinema erupted with cheer. It was freakin’ awesome seeing them back on the Falcon. Regardless, he introduces himself and the duo have different reasons who knowing who he is. Finn remembers him as the War Hero from the days of the Empire, Rey knows him as the great smuggler who made the Kessel Run in 14 12 Parsecs. Han plans on dropping off the pair, before they reveal that BB-8 has a map to Luke Skywalker.

Before Han can comment on helping them, his freighter ship is boarded by a pair of gangs who are both demanding payment from him. I love that he literally has not changed in all this time. It’s awesome. But a fight breaks out once they see that he’s got BB-8. Rey tries to help, but ends up releasing these dangerous aliens that Han was carrying on the freighter. They all make it to the Falcon to escape just in time, as one of the gang members orders them to send word to the First Order about Han having BB-8.

We then cut to Kylo and this general dude named Hux, speaking wi…



Nope. Done. Didn’t need to sleep tonight anyways.

And in case you weren’t freaked out enough, here’s a creepy artwork of the guy.



So this is basically our substitute for the Emperor, Supreme Leader Snoke. He’s linked to the Knights of Ren. We don’t know too much about them for now, I assume that’ll be in the next movie. FYI, he’s not like a bazillion metres tall, apparently he’s 7 foot or something. Still a massive motherfucker.

Regardless, Hux basically tries to suck up to Snoke in front of Kylo Ren, telling them that they need to destroy the planets that are linked to the Republic. Snoke approves of this and Hux goes to make preparations, giving Kylo that sneaky “I’m the favourite one, bitch” look. Kylo and Snoke then discuss about a new Awakening in the Force and Snoke reveals that Kylo Ren is the son of Han Solo.

So, looks like Han and Leia got it on, after all. Kylo then tells Snoke that Han means nothing to him and that he won’t be seduced. Snoke merely replies with “We shall see”.

Back on the Falcon, we see Rey and Han bond over their knowledge of the ship, (And Finn hilariously try to patch up Chewie who got injured in the escape) which eventually leads them to speak about the events from the first Trilogy. Han reveals that Luke tried to start the Jedi Order again, by training new Jedi. However, one of his students turned to the Dark Side and killed the other students. He then agrees to help get BB-8 to the Resistance, so he takes them to a planet where they can get the help they need.

They meet Maz Kanata, a woman who’s 1000 years old and an old friend to Han & Chewie. She cuts right the chase, asking him what he needs, since he’s obviously desperate enough to seek her out. As they make their way inside, insiders for both the First Order and the Resistance let their superiors know that BB-8 is on the planet.

We then cut to Kylo Ren, who’s speaking to the helmet of Darth Vader… How he got it in the first place, since Vader’s body was burned at the end of Return of the Jedi, I have no idea… But regardless, he begs for the helmet to give a glimpse of the power of Darkness and that he’ll finish what Vader started.


Um… Because that’s totally normal…

We cut back to the gang talking with Maz and she doesn’t agree to help them. She tells Han that he’s been running from Leia for too long and that he needs to confront her. She then looks at Finn, and essentially calls him out as a bitch, saying he’s filled with fear and wants to run. He gets butt-hurt about it and she shows him to a pair of people who can get him hidden. Rey and Finn have a small argument about it, where he reveals to her that he was a Stormtrooper. He tells her to run with him, but she refuses. They then part ways.

Rey then hears crying from the basement, where she goes down and find a room. There’s a small box, which she opens, that contains a lightsaber. She picks it up and is shown visions of the past. She sees a mixture of things, including Luke with R2D2, Kylo Ren standing over dead corpses, her as a child as her family abandons her, followed by a glimpse of her future, where she runs into Kylo Ren in a snowy forest. The vision ends and Maz is standing there, observing Rey.

Her and Maz speak, where Rey accepts the reality that her family will never return to Jakku for her. Maz then explains how the Force is around them, and the lightsaber used to belong to Luke & Anakin before him. Maz tells Rey that the lightsaber is calling to Rey, who tells Maz that she will never accept it, running off from Maz’s home and into the forest.

We then cut back to the First Order who are on the Starkiller Base, which is basically the Death Star 3.0… As in the FUCKING PLANET is the base. They went nek level with it. They ACTUALLY built a giant laser INTO THE PLANET! And after Hux does a monologue, they use it. On the Republic. Destroying 5 planets at once.


I have to admit, this was pretty epic.

The destruction of the Republic is seen on the planet where Han and the others are and upon seeing it, Finn decides to stay since he can’t abandon his friends. They are soon attacked by the First Order. BB-8 escapes the carnage, running off into the forest to find Rey. Han, Chewie, and Finn go to fight off the Stormtroopers. Before fighting, Maz gives Finn a weapon, being Luke’s lightsaber. And he’s not too bad with it.

He fights off a Stormtrooper with it, Han and Chewie providing assistance. However, they’re overpowered and are carted off to be taken to Kylo Ren. However, the Resistance arrives on the X-Wings, fighting against the First Order, giving the heroes time to escape.

We cut to Rey in the forest with BB-8, who’s trying to escape the fighting. She tells BB-8 to hide as she then runs into Kylo Ren. He deflects her blaster bolts with his lightsaber, soon enough freezing her in place by using the Force. He recognizes her as the girl he’s heard about & he knocks her out, taking her on his ship. The First Order retreats as the heroes see Rey being taken by Kylo Ren.

The heroes head back to the Resistance Base, where Poe is revealed to be alive and reunites with Finn. Leia and Han reunite and we learn that they’re fully aware of Kylo Ren being their son (Ben Solo, great shout-out to Obi Wan), and that was the cause of their separation. We also learn that R2D2 is at the base and has gone into Sleep Mode after Luke’s disappearance. We also learn that the Droid has the remainder of the map that BB-8 has.

But, shit’s about to go down as the Starkiller base has the Resistance in their sights. We also learn about how it works. It’s powered by the power of a Sun, sucking it dry, and then converts that energy into a focused beam.

Finn gives them the knowledge they need to destroy it and the Resistance goes to destroy it. Finn, Han, and Chewie go to save Rey, while also bringing down the shield from the inside.

Back at the base, we see Kylo Ren and Rey together. She scoffs at him for using a mask, so he takes it off. He’s not scarred, he’s not ugly, he’s actually a good looking guy, which throws Rey off a bit.


I bet Rey was like “… Fuck, he’s kinda hot”

Kylo tries to get the information out of Rey by using the Force, but Rey is able to counter him. She manages to turn it back onto him, revealing that he’s filled with fear and that he may not be as strong as Darth Vader. Kylo is taken aback and leaves the room to seek counsel from Snoke. Snoke tells Kylo to bring Rey to her, since he is also taken aback by her being able to best Kylo Ren.

Having come to the realization that she can use the Force, Rey tries to use a Jedi Mind Trick to convince a Stormtrooper to release her. It takes a couple of tries, but she manages to pull it off. She gets the blaster from the Stormtrooper and then escapes. Kylo Ren soon comes back to fetch her, only to see that Rey has escaped. He flies into a rage, destroying the room with his lightsaber.

Which leads me to the funniest scene in this movie.


Stormtroopers be like “… Yeah, fuck that shit. I ain’t dying today”

Seriously, the cinema cracked up laughing at that scene.

But regardless, Han, Finn, and Chewie infiltrate the base and manage to capture Captain Phasma (Who’s basically the new Boba Fett) to get her to bring down the shield. The Resistance fly in to destroy the core’s stabilizer, only to fail and then be forced to deal with the TIE Fighters.

The heroes manage to run into Rey and they decide to blow up  the stabilizer’s surface from the inside, giving the Resistance a chance. However, as they’re planting the bombs, Han notices Kylo Ren walking onto a bridge. He calls out “Ben” and Kylo stops. He takes off his mask and they exchange words.

Han tells Kylo to reject the Dark Side and Snoke, and to come back to the light. Kylo admits that it’s too late and Han offers to help his son. It almost seems like Kylo will come back to the Light Side as he attempts to hand his lightsaber to Han. And, just as the sun above them is sucked dry and all the light is gone…

han dies

The Dark Side sends it’s regards

Han Solo dies by the hand of his son.

There were a few gasps in the audience when this happened. Not from me though. Some cunt already spoiled it for me so I was like “… Meh”.

But regardless, Han looks at his son in shock as he falls off the bridge to his certain death. Chewie, overcome by rage, shoots Kylo Ren and then blows up the facility. The massive opening in the core’s stabilizer gives the Resistance the chance they need, as the weapon charges itself to fire upon the Resistance’s base.

Kylo Ren manages to cut off Finn and Rey and using the Force, knocks Rey back into a tree, knocking her out. He roars at Finn for being a traitor, prompting Finn to ignite his Lightsaber. Kylo remarks that the lightsaber is his, Finn telling him to come and get it.



Finn is able to hold his own for a bit, until Kylo manages to best him in combat. He injuries Finn greatly, slicing him up the back, and Finn falls to the ground. He then turns to the Lightsaber and uses the Force to try and pull it to him. Only for it to fly right past him and into Rey’s outstretched hand.

The Resistance are able to use the X-Wings to destroy the core’s stabilizer, which then causes the entire planet to become unstable, as the energy begins to level it out.

Now armed with Luke’s Lightsaber, Rey engages Kylo in combat, being able to hold herself, beforetrying to retreat while fighting. The reach a ravine where Kylo has her cornered. He remarks on her ability to use the Force and offers to teach her the ways of the Dark Side. She closes her eyes, remember Maz’s words about using the Light within. She empowers herself and then begins to duel with Kylo once again.


Holy shit, this bitch knows how to swing a Lightsaber

She manages to overpower Kylo, breaking his lightsaber and scarring his face with a deep gash. The planet’s surface then cracks, causing a ravine to separate the pair. They both stare at each other for a bit, until Rey rushes off to find Finn. She finds him and they are picked up by Chewie in the Falcon.

We cut back to Hux, who’s speaking with Snoke about the planet’s imminent destruction, where he then tells him to bring Kylo to Snoke, so that his training can be completed. The other commanding officers in the base notice Hux has abandoned them, and they proceed to flee the base as well.

The planet then blows up, with the Resistance and the Falcon making it out alive. Back at the base, BB-8 communicates with R2D2 and the droid suddenly awakens. They piece together the map and discover where Luke Skywalker has been all this time. Rey consoles Leia about Han, before giving Finn her farewell. With the Falcon, she flies with Chewie and R2D2 to the planet and after climbing all these steps and reaching the top of a mountain…


Aaaaand cue the cinema erupting in a roar of cheers and claps

She then pulls out the Lightsaber and offers it to Luke, who stands there, looking at it.

And that’s where the movie ends.


Thoughts on the Movie


I love this Lightsaber

The movie was pretty good overall, in my opinion. However, I understand the frustrations that some reviewers out there had when they said that it was too much of a “rip-off” of A New Hope, with a bit of Empire Strikes Back in there.

Guys. The last Star Wars movie came out in 2005. It’s been 10 years since we’ve had original content from the Star Wars franchise. I feel that they needed to get the nostalgia out of the way in the first movie, so that the next 2 can be completely original with new stuff that we haven’t seen before. And to be honest, I’m totally OK with that.

I know the movie got a lot of shit put on it for other reasons as well, and some of those I can completely agree with.

Rey and the Force

I’m getting this one done and out of the way first. Rey’s mastery of the Force in such a short amount of time was something that I was annoyed at. If they had shown her using the Force subtly throughout the movie, such as unwittingly moving objects over an incredibly short distance, or showed her unintentionally influencing others, such as the fat asshole with the portions, it would’ve been understandable that she had this power all along.

And I’m not the only one who thinks this. Pretty much most of the reviews about this movie, called bullshit on Rey being able to use the Force as effectively as she did, with no training whatsoever.

Now, I’m sure that in Episode 8 & 9, we’re going to get a better look into how Rey is able to use the Force, as well as a look at her lineage. Everyone’s made the assumption that she’s Luke’s daughter or Kylo’s sibling, so on. But let me make one argument about that.

The theory about Rey being Kylo’s sibling is off the mark. Han and Leia made NO mention of them having another child, and they have no reason to lie about having only one child. So that theory can get in the bin.

The idea of Rey being Luke’s daughter is somewhat OK, but I would’ve liked for her to be penned down as an original character with 0 ties to the main cast. We already have the fallen son through Kylo Ren, we don’t need a family clash at the end of the series.


If I had cousins my age, this would be how we fight over shit

Kylo Ren and his Darth Vader Obsession

This is something that intrigued me. Throughout the last 6 films, we always saw the concept of a Jedi being tempted with the Dark Side. But never have we seen a villain being tempted by the Light. I have to say, I was impressed with how Kylo Ren was struggling to resist the urge of the Light Side and how he WANTS to be evil.

We see briefly that he toyed with the idea of letting the Light Side in, with Han on the bridge, but eventually he was able to control himself and embrace the Dark Side once again. I also love how he has little tantrums when shit doesn’t go his way.

But what REALLY got me was in an interview with JJ Abrams, the director of the new movie, was that Snoke viewed Kylo Ren as a focal point of both the Dark AND the Light, which is what makes him so powerful. I suppose the next movie will give us more details on that, but the obsession with Darth Vader is something that kind of made Kylo Ren a bit of a weaker character in my eyes.

The idea of Kylo admiring his Grandfather’s achievements as a Sith Lord is something that I can totally understand, but to speak to the helmet of Darth Vader… Model his appearance after him… He’s basically a kid playing dress ups and when he throws his tantrums, this further proves it. It’s hard to see how anyone can take Kylo seriously after seeing him erupt into a tantrum over everything, and that scene with the Stormtroopers turning the fuck around to leave just shows that this is a common occurrence.

Screen Shot 2015-12-23 at 2.50.10 PM.png.CROP.article250-medium.50.10 PM

Best Twitter Account ever

That Scene On the Freighter

That was the weakest part of the movie in my eyes. I’m sorry, but while it was nice to see Han Solo try to bullshit his way out of things like he used to, it really didn’t serve much to the plot. I mean, arguably you could say that the two gangs spotting BB-8 was a good way to inform the First Order about Han Solo, but that could’ve been done so much better.

That scene was a good 10-15 minutes, which we could’ve used in getting some more exposition about who the Knights of Ren are, a bit more about how Kylo Ren was seduced by the Dark Side, how the new Republic came into power, etc.

But yeah, this scene just didn’t do it for me and quite frankly, it would’ve been better if they had just cut it out.

The Fan Service

As I said before, this movie pretty much is a mix of A New Hope & Empire Strikes Back. Honestly, there are a lot of similarities in these movies and quite frankly, I’m OK with that. I know a lot of people are giving shit about this not being too original, that they rehashed the Death Star concept, right down to the point where Han told the Resistance;

“There’s always a way to blow something like this up”

Yeah, there is. Because you used the same fucking idea 3 times now. I liked that they upped the ante and made it capable of destroying star systems as a whole, rather than single planets, but that was about it.

C3P0’s cameo was not needed. Sorry, I don’t care for the mechanical Jar Jar, he should have been binned after the original trilogy. Sorry not sorry for those who like that idiotic robot.

But, with all this comes a positive. We got all that shit done and dusted in the first movie. That means the next 2 movies are going to be original. We’re going to be getting new content. And this excites me.



What I’d like to see in the next Movie

I want to see the First Jedi Temple that they’re raving about. Actually, I want explanations for a LOT of things. I want to see how Kylo Ren was seduced by the Dark Side and how he came to own Darth Vader’s helmet. I want to know more about Snoke and whether he was affiliated with Palpatine or if he’s been in charge of Palpatine to some degree. I want to know more about the Knights of Ren and who they are, because they’re certainly not Sith, that much is certain.

But I want explanations. I want to see how this new universe came to be after the defeat of the Empire.

I know a lot of people want action, etc. But that can also be mixed in with it too. Luke training Rey in the ways of the Force would be action-filled, while giving her explanations about what Kylo Ren did, as well as more lore about the Jedi way. Same with Snoke completing Kylo Ren’s training, in which we’ll discover more about the Knights of Ren and how Snoke fits in to all of this.

And then, in Episode 9, shit hits the fan and everything we learned in Episode 8 gets put into play.

Also, if they don’t name the next movie, or the last one “The Force Unleashed”, I will be disappointed. First game was good, second game was rubbish.


My Verdict

Overall, a good movie for people who are fans of the franchise. Some improvements needed, but still a good movie.

8/10 – May the Force Be With You


Disclaimer: All images/videos used in this review belong to their respective owners.


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