Tales from Retail – Old Job Edition


Chicken or popcorn, get ready for some entertainment

So, now that I no longer work for my old job, I can actually talk about it a bit more candidly and about some things that I otherwise probably couldn’t talk about… Well… I could, but I’d just end up getting fired or something. But seeing as how I’ve moved on from that place, I can talk about my old job.

Now, out of respect for my old co-workers who still work there, I’m not going to be naming the place where I used to work, nor name anyone specifically. Primarily because I really don’t want to drag that place through the mud. But more on that later.

DISCLAIMER:  I will be swearing a LOT in this review. If you can’t handle the F word, C word, etc… Then get the fuck off my blog.

History of the Old Job

We needed this sign when we closed up shop for the day

Now, I was at my old job for about 5 and a half years. That was a very long time and one where I got to learn about how customers are pretty much assholes when they don’t get what they want. Now, I was 19 when I first started working there and I left when I was 25. I had that job throughout TAFE and Uni, so it was my only source of income during that period of time.

I had been brought in as a casual, like most people tend to be when they start somewhere, and I was a casual for 3 years, the last 2 and a half years being promoted to Part-Time. Now, in this department store where I worked, I initially started out in the Toys section. And I fucking owned that section. Seriously, I kept that place tidy and organized to the point where my manager at the time actually let me help out in other departments, because I was quick in doing my job.

Now, after 3 years there, I got my wish of working in the Electronics Section, which is where I wanted to be where I started out.

I was a fucking GOD in that section. You speak to most of my old colleagues and they’ll tell you how I used to keep that place so clean and tidy. Thursday Nights and Weekends were the cleanest days for that section. Movies? Alphabetized those motherfuckers so people could find what they were after easily. Games? PS3 games NEVER were in the Xbox section while I was working. Music? Well, it was piss easy to take care off, since no-one ever really bought music…

But whatever, I was a God in that section. And when I finished Uni, I wanted to be promoted to Full-Time, so I could actually make some decent money… OK, I know it’s retail, but I needed to get some extra coin in my pocket. Plus, I had the aspiration to be a manager and move up.

Buuuuuut… The store manager who was there at the time refused to do so, despite that I was there for all that time. So I asked twice, and then I got a new job. I kept this one for a month and then quit the day before Christmas.

Because, fuck you assholes you didn’t reward my loyalty.

But that’s not what you people are here for. You’re here for the stories about what went down when I was at that place. Your wish is my command.


The Prank Call that got my Colleague in Trouble


Yeah… My bad…

OK, so I was working in the back dock area, doing stocktake with 2 of the other managers. Now, I’m tight with these guys because they were cool and pretty chill. Now, we’d done out stocktake a bit early and were just killing some time. So I came up with the idea to prank one of the girls who was working downstairs, just for a giggle. The managers were having a giggle, saying to go for it.

Now, we had a catalogue of what was on sale for that day, so I rang up, put on a pretty good European Accent, and then asked her for something that WASN’T in the Catalogue. She was on loudspeaker as well, as my managers were trying not to laugh. So she looks, she can’t find it, and she says “I’ll go check in the back”.

Perfect. She’d see us, we’d say ‘Gotcha!’, and laughs would be had.

Only she didn’t go to the back. She went into the bathroom. The fucking bathroom. We know, because of the echo on the phone. She said that she couldn’t find it. So, we played along and I said that it’s your catalogue and quoted the name of a DIFFERENT department store. She said that I’d called the wrong store, I said no, and then she hung up. On my face. While on loudspeaker, in front of the managers.

… Yeah… That wasn’t the best idea. So, they had an idea to sort of punish her lightly for it, but not enough to get her in trouble. Because, let’s face it, I was being a cheeky cunt. They talked to her about it, laughs were had, but they said to never hang up on customers.

So… To quote Biebs…

“Is it too late to say Sorry?”


The Manager from Hell

This is legit how much I wanted to punch this guy in the face

Now, when I was working in Toys for the last year and for the first year in Electronics, I had the fucking best Manager ever. He was chill about how you worked, so long as you got the job done. He was never angry at anyone, he was always calm and collected. And he was a South Park fan who constantly used references from the show.

I swear, it was a match made in heaven.

I fucking loved working under that guy and I was GUTTED when he had to transfer to another section. Seriously, I legit cried. But regardless, the new manager that came in was a guy who USED to work with us and then transferred to another store, before coming back.

Now, he wasn’t a manager when he first started, but I hated this guy from before. The main reason for that, was that my mother had come into the shop when I wasn’t there, to purchase some cushions and shit for the house. Typical Wog Mum shopping day. Anyways, she asked this douchebag where the cushions were and he was an absolute cunt to her. She was upset by this and naturally told me when she got home.

So, the next time I saw that fucker, which was a week later, I said the following to him:

Me: Hi mate, you remember some lady asking you for cushions yesterday? Short lady, worked downstairs at -Censored-?
Cunt: Oh yeah her. She was a bit of a bitch.Me: … That’s my mother.
Cunt: … Oh shit, sorry man, I didn’t kn…
Me: If you ever treat my mother like that again, or refer to her as a bitch or anything like that, I will fucking rip your balls off and shove them down your throat.


No one speaks about my mum that way, you Cock-Juggling Thundercunt

I said that in front of the Store Manager, mind you. I’m fucking surprised I still had my job, but that’s how much I hated this cunt.

So when he came in as the new manager, there was HEAPS of tension straight off the bat. Now, I TRIED to be professional and put that to the side and work with him. Nope, he was an asshole from day one. Tried to change everything around, despite that we had a system that was working perfectly. He tried to overload me with tedious tasks and would get pissed off because I didn’t finish 4 tasks at once.

He was just a cunt. Plain and simple, he was a cunt.

And for the next year and a half, he was just a douchebag. He sexually harassed a couple of the girls working at the store, who I had to convince to go forward about it since they were too worried. He completely fucked up Electronics. He was just a dick.

He quit before I did, so I didn’t get the chance to quit in an epic fashion by telling him to go fuck himself. But rest assured, he left without a single friend remaining there.


The Cross-Dresser and his Parents

man baby

Yes it is, Austin. Yes it is.

Ok, I’m not transphobic/homophobic/etc. but this is a funny story and it’s one where I still have a giggle whenever I talk about it.

Now, I was working in Electronics with the Epic Manager and it was a quiet day. I’d done all my jobs for the day, so I was chilling on my phone. I shouldn’t have my phone with me, but screw you, I do what I want. Now, I see a family in the shoes section, specifically ladieswear, and… God, I’m laughing just writing this…

An Indian guy, who was at least 30, dressed in a woman’s top. He had a sarong draped around him like a shoal. Ladies jeans that were looked so tight that his nuts would’ve retracted. And he was trying on ladies shoes with his mum and dad.

OK, I’m probs going to Hell for this, but I couldn’t help getting out a sneaky giggle behind the counter. So after my immaturity is sated & 5 minutes pass, they make their way to my counter. I was literally saying in the back of my head “Don’t fucking laugh. Don’t fucking laugh. Don’t fucking laugh. Don’t fucking laugh. Don’t fucking laugh. Don’t fucking laugh.”. So they come over and I swear to God, he HAD to be trying to put on a female voice or something… He still sounded like a man, but trying to be feminine. He asked if we had any Portable DVD Players that were on special.

Now, I managed to not laugh and keep professional. I showed them where we had them. It was the last day of the sale, so there wasn’t many left. We only had Pink ones left, the other colour being black. This guy wanted the black one, I told him that we had run out.

Now, this guy was SUCH a bitch about it that he would’ve put a 16 year old teen to shame. He was going off about it and it became easier to not laugh at him, because he was pissing me off. So he throws his items on my counter, demanding to pay here.

Now, I have a 3 strike rule. You piss me of 3 times, I fucking wreck you. That was Strike 1.

I process his sale and tell him how much it all is. He THROWS his money on my counter. Strike 2. So I process it, give him the receipt and he snatches it out of my hand. Strike 3.

So I smiled, gave him his bag, and said:

Me: Have a good day Sir.
Customer gives me a look.
Me: Enjoy your items Mate.
His mum and dad are giving me death glares.
Me: See you next time, Buddy.

They don’t even walk away about 5 metres before I eventually burst out laughing. Now, 10 minutes later, Epic Manager comes back and asks me about what happened with the guy. I told him what happened and he just laughed with me about it. They’d complained and said I was rude to them, but he knows I’m not an asshole unless you’re one to me.


The Turkish Bitch Who Thought I Couldn’t Understand Her

You tell her, Duges

OK, so I was pretty flat out when this happened. I was knee deep in customers, shit was on sale and I was frantically trying to get everything done. It was THAT bad that they actually got someone to help me out for that day. But this was one of my best mates at the shop, so I loved having him there to help me. Regardless, we had someone come up to the counter, skipping ahead of the other customers, asking to refund a home phone at my counter.

Now, I didn’t have my name-badge on, so no one could guess what my nationality was.

I told her that I couldn’t help her here, since I only did sales here. I pointed to the refunds counter, telling her that she had to go there to refund it. She kept trying to get it done up at my counter, WHILE I was serving other customers, and I kept giving her the same answer. So this bitch turns to her daughter and speaks to her in Turkish.

Um, I CAN understand you. Especially the part where you’re telling her to make up a story about her uncle being on his deathbed and you don’t have time. But, I don’t need drama at the moment so I just let it slide and continued to tell them where to go to get refunds done.  They kept trying for another 5 minutes and when they FINALLY got the hint, they decided to leave.

BUT, before they did, they decided to push the ONE button I can’t tolerate. The slut of a mother said to her daughter:

“Let’s go, his mother’s been too busy working the street corner to teach him any manners”


… OK, this bitch is about to get fucking REKT

I look at my colleague working with me and say “You want a good story to tell your mates? Watch this”. I then look at the woman and say to her, in Turkish:

“You know that I can understand everything you’re saying, right?”

The look on her face? PRICELESS. It was as if she had just been slapped in the face. Her daughter (Who wasn’t even hot) was in shock, looking at her mum. Now, THIS bitch of a mother tried to smooth over the situation, but I’m not having ANY of that. You called my mother a prostitute. You are getting fucking rekt, cunt.

Bitch: -Turkish- Oh Brother, please…
Me: -English- I’m not your Brother and you just insulted my mother by saying that she works the corner at nights.
EVERYONE just stops and looks at us. I’m looking at this bitch DEAD in the eyes and she’s going red.

Bitch: -Turkish- Please, I was angr…
Me: -English- Here’s an idea? Speak English so everyone here can see what sort of a scumbag you really are. How DARE you talk about MY mother like that.
Bitch: -English- Please, don’t make a scene.
Me: Get the hell out of my shop, right now. Or else I’ll come around out of this counter and make a damn scene.

She was outta there faster than Sonic the Hedgehog.


To this day, that remains to be one of the worst customers that I’ve ever had. Seriously, I can take the shit you throw at me. You throw shade at the woman who raised me to be the man I am? I will fucking wreck you.

The Lebo Lady who didn’t believe that I wasn’t Lebo

00000Duges (4)

She sure is, Duges

OK, this is one of the more bizarre ones that I’ve ever had. It’s a short one, so you don’t have to worry about an essay for this story.

I was working at Electronics and this lady came up to me and started speaking Lebanese to me. I was just looking at her with a blank expression, before telling her that I don’t speak that language. She then told me that apparently I do speak it, since I was Lebo.

Uh.. No. I’m Turkish, love.

I told her that I wasn’t Lebo and that I was a Turk. She didn’t believe me. I swear to fucking God, this bitch thought I was lying about my race. Um… What the hell for? What possible reason would I have to lie about my race? I mean, it’s just.. Really?

She literally asked one of my passing colleagues what my nationality was, since she STILL didn’t believe me after 5 minutes of arguing. They told her that I was a Turk and she just looked at me with a scowl. I just asked if she believed me now, to which she just shook her head and walked off.

Yeah, I don’t know either.


The Clicky-Fingered Asshole

DBZ (20)

This is how I felt after dealing with this asshole

OK, so this is when I was about 4 months into the job. I was still in Toys and we were having our annual Toy Sale. Now, Toy Sale for us is bigger than Christmas. I’m not even kidding, it’s the closest I’ve seen to Black Friday with people running in to get stuff. And it was going to be my first one.

So naturally, we prepared for it and it was all good to go… Until people threw sickies and I was stuck as the only one from the Toy Department working that night. Don’t get me wrong, I had help from other sections, but they don’t know where everything was like I did.

So, on top of helping customers, I was also helping the staff find stuff as well. Needles to say, I was stretched out and was doing my best to keep calm. Now, towards halfway through my shift where it got a bit more quiet, I was helping a pregnant lady out. She wanted to find toys for her soon-to-be born son, and I was totally cool with that. Showed her some nice lullaby things, etc.

And then the dickhead at the other end of the toy section starts clicking his fingers at me, saying “Excuse me!”. I turned around, saw him, and then ignored him.

Fuck that shit, I do NOT answer to clicks.

So a minute later, he walks up to me and clicks his fingers RIGHT NEAR MY EAR, saying “Excuse me! Assistance!”. I apologized to the lady, turned around to this asshole, and told him that I was serving a customer and that he had to wait. So I finished helping the lady about 5 minutes later, as this idiot was following us, tapping his foot and asking how much longer.

So I turned to him, once she was sorted, and I asked him what was so important that he had to bother me for all this time about and couldn’t be patient. I was obviously losing my cool at this point. He showed me a toy he wanted, asking why it wasn’t half-price.

JJ (9).gif

… Yeah, pretty much

I just stared at him for a moment, before I just lost it. I asked him if he could read and that the signs say what toys are half-price and what wasn’t. He then decided to get cheeky and ask me why THIS toy wasn’t for sale at half-price.

… I went Super Saiyan for the first time that day. This is literally what I said:

“I don’t know mate, maybe you should email our head office and ask them? Ask them why it’s a conspiracy that you have to pay full price for THAT toy instead of just getting a different one that was on sale. POOR YOU!”

And I just walked off and left him there. I walked past my manager who asked me where I was going. I just said that I was going on my dinner break and if they tried to stop me, I would go psycho on someone. They took me into the back where I could vent my frustrations and they were pretty cool about it.

But it was the catalyst for me to realize that in the Retail Industry, you have to back yourself up when you’re in the right. Sorry, the Customer ISN’T always right.




Literally this is how I felt after working there for that long

I hated my old job because of the customers I had to deal with whenever I worked there. But the people that I worked with? They were amazing. And for that, there’s a couple of shout-outs that I want to put out there for those select people.

Shana, you were easily one of my best friends working at that place. I loved being able to be chill with you and just talk shit on a regular basis. Whether it was about politics, NRL, customers, etc. I loved how you’d always take a second to kick back and talk.

Adam, you were easily the best manager I worked under. I loved having you there and as I said before, I was gutted when you left. Still to this day, you’re the best manager that I’ve had.

Maria, you Italian darling, I loved talking shit with you about everything. You always had great advice for me when  I needed it.

Ricky, aka Pitbull, you were a blast to work with. I loved our chats about the dickheads at refunds that you had to deal with.

And to all the other guys I got along with, I had a blast working with you all.  And to all the people who I didn’t get along with…

Well… You can all:


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s