Th1rteen R3asons Why (Netflix) – Review (Spoilers, Duh)


Probably going to end up having some tears shed by the end of this

Th1rteen R3asons Why. 13 reasons why Hannah Baker killed herself which were recorded onto tapes and then spread among those who contributed to her death. It’s a show that has caused a lot of controversy about themes that teenagers and young adults face in today’s society. While this is a review about the show, I’ll also be going into those themes and how those themes related to my personal life growing up.

Before I begin this review, apart from spoilers of the show, some of the themes that are going to be brought up are very sensitive. I suggest that if you’re uncomfortable with themes based around suicide, sexual assaults, and abusive situations… You’d probs best get the hell out of this review. I’m not censoring any of the themes and I’m not going to sugar coat it. Just like how Th1rteen R3asons Why didn’t either.

The Plot

The Plot begins with Clay Jensen getting a box left in front of his house that containing tapes numbered 1 to 13 from Hannah Baker, a girl who committed suicide a few weeks earlier. He listens to the first tape which has Hannah speaking into it, revealing that the following tapes each contain a reason why Hannah killed and the person responsible for it. As he listens to each tape, we find out that there are other people who received the tapes before him and that only those who have contributed to Hannah’s death are recipients of them.

The other teenagers who have all listened to the tapes and passed them on, are worried about Clay’s reaction to them. Clay and Hannah were friends when she was alive and his sense of morals are on a different spectrum to theirs. Each episode is based off a tape which will be detailed below. More information about what happens in each episode will be delved into afterward.

The Tapes

Tape 1 – Justin Foley
Justin was Hannah’s first kiss and on the same night, took a compromising picture of Hannah. He then spread rumours about them having sex when the kiss was all that it was.

Tape 2 – Jessica Davis
Jessica, along with a boy named Alex, were friends with Hannah. Alex and Jessica begin a relationship and when it fails, Jessica unfairly blames Hannah for it.

Tape 3 – Alex Standall
Alex had created a list of Best/Worst features which had listed Hannah as the “Best Ass”. It’s revealed that he did this as a ploy to get in with the popular kids, as well as make Jessica jealous.

Tape 4 – Tyler Down
Tyler had taken compromising photos of Hannah and Courtney sharing a kiss that was spread around the school. He also had been stalking her heavily before then.

Tape 5 – Courtney Crimsen
Courtney threw Hannah under the bus to protect herself when questioned about whether the photo Tyler had taken was of her and Hannah.

Tape 6 – Marcus Cole
Marcus embarrassed Hannah on a Valentine’s Day date when attempting to see if the rumours of Hannah being a slut were true.

Tape 7 – Zach Dempsey
Hannah had rejected Zach’s advances and he got revenge by taking all the positive notes left in her letterbox in Communications Class, as he knew she heavily relied on them for positive reassurance.

Tape 8 – Ryan Shaver
Ryan had stolen a poem that Hannah had written, detailing all of her dark thoughts and problems, and publicly published them in his school paper.

Tape 9 – Justin Foley
The only person to have 2 tapes, Hannah blames Justin for letting Bryce rape Jessica while Jessica was heavily intoxicated, which Hannah witnessed.

Tape 10 – Sheri Holland
Sheri was driving Hannah home & accidentally hit a Stop sign. Sheri then abandons Hannah and drives off without calling the police, which then resulted in Clay’s friend Jeff being killed in a car crash.

Tape 11 – Clay Jensen
Hannah blames Clay for leaving at her request before they were about to have sex. She admits that he doesn’t deserve to be on the tapes, but she felt he needed to know why she killed herself.

Tape 12 – Bryce Walker
Bryce raped Hannah

Tape 13 – Mr. Porter
Originally intending for 12 tapes, Hannah created the 13th tape when the school counselor, Mr. Porter, dismisses Hannah’s claims of being raped because she refused to name who did it. He tells her to “move on with her life” which was the final straw for her.

Tape 14 – Bryce’s Confession
A tape that was made by Clay, after he successfully tricked Bryce into admitting that he had raped Hannah while secretly recording. Moments prior to obtaining the confession, Clay had been severely beaten by Bryce when Clay confronted him about being a rapist.

Other Themes


Alex furious about how the school only put these up after Hannah’s death

Along with the audience finding out what happened to Hannah via the tapes, we’re also given a detailed look into the lives of the subjects on Hannah’s tapes which make everything appear to not be as black and white as Hannah described. We also see how Hannah’s death has affected her parent as well as the community as a whole.

Hannah’s parents are in a lawsuit with the school as they firmly believe a lack of care is what resulted in Hannah’s death. This involves themes such as bullying graffiti in the bathrooms having to be painted over after Hannah’s mother takes photos to use against the school. Suicide Awareness paraphernalia being distributed as a means to save face in the eyes of the community. It eventually reaches a climax when Hannah’s parents receive a copy of the tapes from Tony, the boy who Hannah had trusted the tapes to in the first place, and they begin listening to them at the end of the season.

We see the psychological impact of Hannah’s death playing on Clay’s mind, especially since he’s unsure of how he would’ve contributed to Hannah killing herself. It tears at him so much that he begins hallucinating about Hannah and starts lashing out at the others mentioned on the tapes. It’s thought that this is him dealing with Hannah’s death through the stages of grief. Denial about how he would’ve contributed to her death. Anger at those mentioned and trying to get revenge for Hannah. Depression about how he never admit to Hannah about how he truly felt, which might have saved her. And then finally the acceptance of his role in her death after Tony helps him understand why Hannah named Clay in the tapes.


Tyler was bullied to the point where he might be the center for Season 2

Bullying as a whole is one of the main subjects of the show, where we are exposed to many different types of bullying, which may come across as being eye-opening to some viewers. Alex making the Best/Worst list which resulted in Bryce first groping Hannah’s rear end, weeks before he raped her, Zach making Hannah feel worthless by stealing all of her positive mail from Communications class, and a whole bunch more that I could go into, but just don’t have the space for in this review.

Peer Pressure is also dealt with in the show, varying from the others to keep Clay quiet about the tapes, as they fear that he’ll go public with them, to going as far as Justin suggesting that they kill Clay and make it look like a suicide. Justin, Alex, and Marcus kidnap Clay in a car and scare him by driving at high speeds as a means to intimidate him into not seeking revenge for Hannah. Clay being peer pressured into drinking an entire bottle of alcohol in one go by Bryce. These are some of the examples that this theme presents in the show.

Social media and the impact it has on bullying is also explored, with how fast compromising images are spread. An example of this is when Clay gets revenge on Tyler by taking a photo of Tyler naked and spreading it around. Tyler is then subjected to bullying by his peers to the point where he begins to stockpile weapons, many believing him to be planning a shootout in the school.


You will hate this guy before you even get to his tape

Sexual Assault is also covered and it’s quite graphic in how it’s portrayed. We see through a closet door, Bryce raping Jessica and it’s a very uncomfortable scene to say the least. Hannah’s rape scene is also quite graphic as it’s done in a hot tub. Justin initially protects Bryce because Bryce had offered Justin a safe haven away from his abusive home life, but then admits to Jessica that Bryce raped her, after she became suspicious after the tapes were revealed.

Another topic linking up to the rape was the complete dismissal by Mr. Porter when Hannah confides in him about the rape. The idea of Hannah having regret and then feigning rape is brought up and he even goes as far as to tell her to move on with her life. It’s horrifying to watch someone who has a position of duty and care, just casually dismiss her claims, which ends up being the final straw for her. Understandably, this scene hit a lot of people who had been sexually assaulted quite hard.

And it goes without saying that the topic of Teenage Suicide is brought up numerous times. Hannah’s continuously negative experience keep bottling up as she tries to deal with the issues as best as she can. She had even felt like giving life one more shot after the initial 12 tapes had been recorded. But it fails and she ultimately kills herself.

And the show does NOT shy away nor sugar coat the act of Hannah killing herself. We see her, in graphic detail, slash her arms open with razor blades into an overflowing bathtub, and watch as life slowly drains out of her. And, if this scene wasn’t confronting enough, we’re treated to Hannah’s parents discovering her in the tub after she had died, and the pure emotions displayed.

The Controversy of Th1rteen R3asons Why


Moments before Hannah Baker killed herself

A lot of people have claimed that the show “glorifies suicide” which the way that Hannah made her tapes and had them spread among those who she believed drove her to commit suicide. Which I think is absolute rubbish. It would be incredibly foolish for any network, be it Netflix or any other medium, to advertise the glorification of suicide. NO ONE wants to see more people killing themselves and if this is what you take from the show, then perhaps you need to seriously get your head checked out.

I can understand that people who have been subjected to sexual assault, domestic violence, and those who have been/are suicidal, would be uncomfortable with the themes in the show. But that’s reality. People, this is probably one of the most realistic takes on how bullying can lead to a young person taking their own life. You may feel uncomfortable with it, but that’s the truth.

Warnings are always issued before the episodes that feature these themes in it, and if you continue to watch it from that point, you know what you’re about to witness. Instead of preaching about how this show is bad for people, why don’t you take a look at all the messages it presents, not just the ones you want to hate on.

The main theme of this show was that, even until the very end when she killed herself, she was crying out for help. The door was unlocked in the bathroom, the water was overflowing onto the floor and out of the bathroom. She was hoping her mother or father would stop her. She gave Tony the tapes in person because if he listened to it fast enough and acted sooner, he could’ve stopped her. Hannah wanted help. And she went as far as possible to try to get it. And she never got the help she needed.

EVERYTHING could have been avoided if the signs were noticed early on. Now, I’m not suggesting that if they acted sooner, Hannah wouldn’t of tried to kill herself by another method. But what I am saying is that the main theme was ultimately about a girl who tried to reach out as best as she could, and no one knew. Not even Clay, who was arguably one of her most loyal and true friends.

People criticized the show for showing Hannah kill herself. Why? That’s the pain you’ll experience if you kill yourself with a razor blade. The pain of the metal cutting your skin open and the blood pouring out. Not dripping, pouring out. The reaction of her parents when they find her, this is a VERY realistic demonstration on suicide.

People, you have to understand that this show isn’t just about the suicide of Hannah Baker. It’s also about how it affects the others who led her to do it. How it affected her family, how it affected her school… This is real. Suicide doesn’t end with the person killing themselves. It goes on to affect everyone they knew.

You’re probably reading this, thinking that I’m getting really involved with the themes of this show… Well… That’s what the next part is for.

How Th1rteen R3asons Why Relates To Me

I’ve been suicidal at one point in my life. To the point where there was a good chance I wouldn’t be here to type this right now. I don’t want to delve into the specifics of why I wanted to kill myself, as it was over 12 years ago and I don’t want to go back to that dark place again. I never actually attempted to kill myself, but the thoughts were there… And there were a couple of times that I was the edge of doing so.

But then I watched Th1rteen R3asons Why and those memories I had semi-repressed had come back. I couldn’t help but break down at the end of the season when Hannah’s parents discovered her… Because I saw myself in that position and I imagined that it was my Dad and my Mum who discovered me. And I thought about how lucky I was to get the help I needed in order to move past it. And then I stopped the episode for about 20 minutes to collect myself, because I was crying my eyes out.

Because I know now that if I had done it… My Dad wouldn’t of been able to live with himself. I would’ve killed him with the grief he would’ve suffered. My mum and my siblings… God, I’m even tearing up now just thinking about this…

Look, the point I’m trying to make is that I had a wake-up call that stopped me from doing it. And in doing so, I not only saved my own life. I saved the lives of those close to me. As I stated before, this show isn’t about the glorification of Suicide, it’s about the impact it has on those who knew you. And it’s about how the smallest things, like taking positive notes out of a mail box in class, can lead to someone taking their own life.

What I Didn’t Like In Th1rteen R3asons Why


You are such a douche, mate

Now that the emotional stuff is out of the way, it’s time to delve into what I DIDN’T like about Th1rteen R3asons Why. And the main aspect I didn’t like was that wanker in the image above.

I’m sorry, but Tony’s self-righteous attitude and flat-out bullying of Clay to make him listen to the tapes just ruined certain aspects of the story for me. Oh, did I say bullying? Yes. I did. Because he pretty much bullied Clay (and maybe the others) into listening to the tapes. Plus, the whole “Popping up at the right time” cliche with him was… Well… A bit of a cliche. I get why he’s so adamant on making everyone featured on the tapes to listen to them, but honestly dude…

You have incriminating evidence that this girl killed herself because she was raped and bullied, and you choose to NOT take it into the police? Sorry but fuck what Hannah wanted, you want justice for her then take that shit to the cops. Hell, just give her parents the tapes and let them decide how to take it from there. It’s only AFTER Clay finishes the tapes and tells Tony that he has Bryce’s confession that he FINALLY hands a digital copy of the tapes to Hannah’s parents.

Dude. Fuck you.

Clay’s Mother is another person whom I disliked in the show. Lady, your kid is CLEARLY affected by the death of Hannah and yet you STILL chose to defend the school in the lawsuit that Hannah’s parents are filing. You even had the chance to drop the case and you were like “lol no, I’m still doing it”… I’m sorry, you CLEARLY know that your kid is not happy about this and you’re still like “Fuck his mental stability, I’m still doing it”. EVEN AFTER HANNAH’S MOTHER CALLED YOU OUT AND SAID THAT CLAY WAS HER FRIEND!

Jesus Christ, lady… As a matter of fact, most of the adults in this show are fucking idiots…

Should There Be A Season 2?


Tyler is theorized to be the main focus of Season 2

It’s been heavily speculated that since Tyler’s stockpiling guns, that he’s going to shoot up the school in Season 2 which is going to be the main focus of the season. But should there even be a Season 2?No. No there shouldn’t.I get that Netflix want to make money off the show, especially given the attention that the show has gotten since it was released. But I feel that this is a story that’s best left where it ended. Given that the show is called Th1rteen R3asons Why, I don’t see how they’re going to continue the story.Unless what, Tyler has 13 Photos with explanations about why he shot the school? No, let the series end here and leave the audience speculating about where it goes from there.

Some stories are best left where they end, with that unknown hanging there. Did Alex try to kill himself? How does Justin move on from everything? How do Hannah’s parents react to her tapes? How does Clay’s mum feel about her son having the tapes? Does Mr. Porter go to the police with the tapes after Clay gives them to him? Does Bryce go to jail?

Don’t answer that. Just leave it as is. We don’t need answers for everything.

The Verdict

This is the sort of show where I feel every young person needs to see it. It may be graphic, but it’s realistic. And that’s what teens need to see. They NEED to see that their actions have consequences that might result in someone taking their own life.

9/10 – Very Powerful Story that leaves a Heavy Impact.


Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens Review (Spoilers, Duh)


Star Wars. Oh my fucking God, you have no idea how hyped I am for this movie. I grew up watching the original trilogy, which I fucking loved, and while the prequels weren’t the best, I did enjoy them. Especially the Lightsaber fights in the prequels. So naturally when I found out that this movie was coming out, my inner child was jumping up and down, screaming like a Japanese Fan Girl. For months I was hyped and as more details came out about the story, I got more and more excited.

And then someone fucking spoiled it for me on the first day it was released.


If only I could’ve done this…

Seriously, I was so fucking pissed off. So in my rage, I decided that I wouldn’t watch the movie. I thought “Fuck it, I’m out. Fuck this shit, I’m waiting until Blu-Ray”. And until last week, I held strong to that belief. I was on the Dark Side, and I felt the call to the Light… And then I caved in. I went to go see the movie. And God damn, it was awesome… So, let’s get the plot over and done with firstly.


The Plot

Best opening ever

The cheers when this came on the screen

We begin our story on the planet Jakku (Totally not a rip off of Tatooine) where Stormtroppers are invading a village, searching for a Resistance pilot named Poe who’s got a droid that has a piece of a map that’ll allow the Resistance to find Luke Skywalker, who’s gone missing. The First Order (Not the Empire) manage to find Poe after he fires at who appears to be the leader… Who stops the blaster bolt in mid air with the Force.

… Wait. Wait, wait, wait… He fucking stops a Blaster Bolt… Mid-Air… Using the Force… OP Confirmed.

He takes Poe and using the Force, is able to extract thoughts from Poe and learn that the droid has the Skywalker Map on it. During this time, one Stormtrooper named  FN-2187 watches his friend die and has a change of heart about the First Order. He decides to free Poe from the First Order and they escape back to Jakku, only to be shot down upon entering the planet. FN-2187, now dubbed Finn by Poe, watches as their ship is pulled into quick sand and blow up, assuming Poe has died.

During this time, we see Rey, the scavenger, doing her thing in an old destroyed Empire battleship. She manages to get some parts, sells them, and then she comes across the droid Poe was protecting, named BB-8. While she’s reluctant at first, she decides to keep the droid. She’s asked to sell BB-8, refusing to do so. She’s then attacked by bandits who want to steal the droid, only to kick their asses as Finn watches. They meet and Finn lies to her, claiming he’s with the Resistance.

They’re then attacked by the First Order, 2 Tie Fighters firing upon the village. The trio attempt to escape on a ship, only for it to be destroyed. They’re then forced to use the “rubbish ship” which turns out to be none other than…



I nearly fucking screamed out in joy when I saw these guys trying to escape in the Millennium Falcon. So many questions entered my mind about why it was there, what happened with Han, etc. But it was a fun scene to watch. Using the debris of old Empire ships as cover to outrun the First Order was brilliant. None the less, the heroes manage to destroy the Tie Fighters and escape into space.

So naturally, the Stormtroopers have to report to Kylo Ren about how they lost them and when the guy mentions that Finn was one of the escapees, Kylo has a tantrum about it. No, seriously. He has a fucking tantrum. Were it not for the fact he’s powerful enough to stop a blaster bolt in mid-air, I’d be tearing up with laughter.


It’s like watching a 2 year old go ape shit over not getting a toy

Regardless, he also learns about that BB-8 and Finn were helped by a girl, prompting Kylo to inquire about her.

Back on the Falcon, Finn and Rey are trying to stop the ship from breaking down, and we see some cute chemistry between Finn and Rey. Seriously, if these two don’t fuck by the end of this new trilogy, I’ll be incredibly disappointed. Regardless, Finn spills the beans to BB-8 that he’s not with the resistance and promises to get the Droid there, if it vouches for him with Rey.

We also learn that Rey is hesitant to leave Jakku, since she’s got the deluded belief that her family will be returning for her.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait… This white bitch got left on an alien planet by her family who pretty much pulled the “I’m going to the store to buy milk, I’ll be back” line. Huh, guess it’s not just black gangsters named Tyrone who go through this after all. #RacistStereotyping

Regardless, the ship is locked onto & the controls are over-written to prevent their escape. They hide in the Falcon’s smuggling bay, and we discover that the ship has been taken over non-other than…


Aaaaaand cue the cheers from everyone in the fucking cinema

HAN SOLO AND CHEWIE! Oh my god, the cinema erupted with cheer. It was freakin’ awesome seeing them back on the Falcon. Regardless, he introduces himself and the duo have different reasons who knowing who he is. Finn remembers him as the War Hero from the days of the Empire, Rey knows him as the great smuggler who made the Kessel Run in 14 12 Parsecs. Han plans on dropping off the pair, before they reveal that BB-8 has a map to Luke Skywalker.

Before Han can comment on helping them, his freighter ship is boarded by a pair of gangs who are both demanding payment from him. I love that he literally has not changed in all this time. It’s awesome. But a fight breaks out once they see that he’s got BB-8. Rey tries to help, but ends up releasing these dangerous aliens that Han was carrying on the freighter. They all make it to the Falcon to escape just in time, as one of the gang members orders them to send word to the First Order about Han having BB-8.

We then cut to Kylo and this general dude named Hux, speaking wi…



Nope. Done. Didn’t need to sleep tonight anyways.

And in case you weren’t freaked out enough, here’s a creepy artwork of the guy.



So this is basically our substitute for the Emperor, Supreme Leader Snoke. He’s linked to the Knights of Ren. We don’t know too much about them for now, I assume that’ll be in the next movie. FYI, he’s not like a bazillion metres tall, apparently he’s 7 foot or something. Still a massive motherfucker.

Regardless, Hux basically tries to suck up to Snoke in front of Kylo Ren, telling them that they need to destroy the planets that are linked to the Republic. Snoke approves of this and Hux goes to make preparations, giving Kylo that sneaky “I’m the favourite one, bitch” look. Kylo and Snoke then discuss about a new Awakening in the Force and Snoke reveals that Kylo Ren is the son of Han Solo.

So, looks like Han and Leia got it on, after all. Kylo then tells Snoke that Han means nothing to him and that he won’t be seduced. Snoke merely replies with “We shall see”.

Back on the Falcon, we see Rey and Han bond over their knowledge of the ship, (And Finn hilariously try to patch up Chewie who got injured in the escape) which eventually leads them to speak about the events from the first Trilogy. Han reveals that Luke tried to start the Jedi Order again, by training new Jedi. However, one of his students turned to the Dark Side and killed the other students. He then agrees to help get BB-8 to the Resistance, so he takes them to a planet where they can get the help they need.

They meet Maz Kanata, a woman who’s 1000 years old and an old friend to Han & Chewie. She cuts right the chase, asking him what he needs, since he’s obviously desperate enough to seek her out. As they make their way inside, insiders for both the First Order and the Resistance let their superiors know that BB-8 is on the planet.

We then cut to Kylo Ren, who’s speaking to the helmet of Darth Vader… How he got it in the first place, since Vader’s body was burned at the end of Return of the Jedi, I have no idea… But regardless, he begs for the helmet to give a glimpse of the power of Darkness and that he’ll finish what Vader started.


Um… Because that’s totally normal…

We cut back to the gang talking with Maz and she doesn’t agree to help them. She tells Han that he’s been running from Leia for too long and that he needs to confront her. She then looks at Finn, and essentially calls him out as a bitch, saying he’s filled with fear and wants to run. He gets butt-hurt about it and she shows him to a pair of people who can get him hidden. Rey and Finn have a small argument about it, where he reveals to her that he was a Stormtrooper. He tells her to run with him, but she refuses. They then part ways.

Rey then hears crying from the basement, where she goes down and find a room. There’s a small box, which she opens, that contains a lightsaber. She picks it up and is shown visions of the past. She sees a mixture of things, including Luke with R2D2, Kylo Ren standing over dead corpses, her as a child as her family abandons her, followed by a glimpse of her future, where she runs into Kylo Ren in a snowy forest. The vision ends and Maz is standing there, observing Rey.

Her and Maz speak, where Rey accepts the reality that her family will never return to Jakku for her. Maz then explains how the Force is around them, and the lightsaber used to belong to Luke & Anakin before him. Maz tells Rey that the lightsaber is calling to Rey, who tells Maz that she will never accept it, running off from Maz’s home and into the forest.

We then cut back to the First Order who are on the Starkiller Base, which is basically the Death Star 3.0… As in the FUCKING PLANET is the base. They went nek level with it. They ACTUALLY built a giant laser INTO THE PLANET! And after Hux does a monologue, they use it. On the Republic. Destroying 5 planets at once.


I have to admit, this was pretty epic.

The destruction of the Republic is seen on the planet where Han and the others are and upon seeing it, Finn decides to stay since he can’t abandon his friends. They are soon attacked by the First Order. BB-8 escapes the carnage, running off into the forest to find Rey. Han, Chewie, and Finn go to fight off the Stormtroopers. Before fighting, Maz gives Finn a weapon, being Luke’s lightsaber. And he’s not too bad with it.

He fights off a Stormtrooper with it, Han and Chewie providing assistance. However, they’re overpowered and are carted off to be taken to Kylo Ren. However, the Resistance arrives on the X-Wings, fighting against the First Order, giving the heroes time to escape.

We cut to Rey in the forest with BB-8, who’s trying to escape the fighting. She tells BB-8 to hide as she then runs into Kylo Ren. He deflects her blaster bolts with his lightsaber, soon enough freezing her in place by using the Force. He recognizes her as the girl he’s heard about & he knocks her out, taking her on his ship. The First Order retreats as the heroes see Rey being taken by Kylo Ren.

The heroes head back to the Resistance Base, where Poe is revealed to be alive and reunites with Finn. Leia and Han reunite and we learn that they’re fully aware of Kylo Ren being their son (Ben Solo, great shout-out to Obi Wan), and that was the cause of their separation. We also learn that R2D2 is at the base and has gone into Sleep Mode after Luke’s disappearance. We also learn that the Droid has the remainder of the map that BB-8 has.

But, shit’s about to go down as the Starkiller base has the Resistance in their sights. We also learn about how it works. It’s powered by the power of a Sun, sucking it dry, and then converts that energy into a focused beam.

Finn gives them the knowledge they need to destroy it and the Resistance goes to destroy it. Finn, Han, and Chewie go to save Rey, while also bringing down the shield from the inside.

Back at the base, we see Kylo Ren and Rey together. She scoffs at him for using a mask, so he takes it off. He’s not scarred, he’s not ugly, he’s actually a good looking guy, which throws Rey off a bit.


I bet Rey was like “… Fuck, he’s kinda hot”

Kylo tries to get the information out of Rey by using the Force, but Rey is able to counter him. She manages to turn it back onto him, revealing that he’s filled with fear and that he may not be as strong as Darth Vader. Kylo is taken aback and leaves the room to seek counsel from Snoke. Snoke tells Kylo to bring Rey to her, since he is also taken aback by her being able to best Kylo Ren.

Having come to the realization that she can use the Force, Rey tries to use a Jedi Mind Trick to convince a Stormtrooper to release her. It takes a couple of tries, but she manages to pull it off. She gets the blaster from the Stormtrooper and then escapes. Kylo Ren soon comes back to fetch her, only to see that Rey has escaped. He flies into a rage, destroying the room with his lightsaber.

Which leads me to the funniest scene in this movie.


Stormtroopers be like “… Yeah, fuck that shit. I ain’t dying today”

Seriously, the cinema cracked up laughing at that scene.

But regardless, Han, Finn, and Chewie infiltrate the base and manage to capture Captain Phasma (Who’s basically the new Boba Fett) to get her to bring down the shield. The Resistance fly in to destroy the core’s stabilizer, only to fail and then be forced to deal with the TIE Fighters.

The heroes manage to run into Rey and they decide to blow up  the stabilizer’s surface from the inside, giving the Resistance a chance. However, as they’re planting the bombs, Han notices Kylo Ren walking onto a bridge. He calls out “Ben” and Kylo stops. He takes off his mask and they exchange words.

Han tells Kylo to reject the Dark Side and Snoke, and to come back to the light. Kylo admits that it’s too late and Han offers to help his son. It almost seems like Kylo will come back to the Light Side as he attempts to hand his lightsaber to Han. And, just as the sun above them is sucked dry and all the light is gone…

han dies

The Dark Side sends it’s regards

Han Solo dies by the hand of his son.

There were a few gasps in the audience when this happened. Not from me though. Some cunt already spoiled it for me so I was like “… Meh”.

But regardless, Han looks at his son in shock as he falls off the bridge to his certain death. Chewie, overcome by rage, shoots Kylo Ren and then blows up the facility. The massive opening in the core’s stabilizer gives the Resistance the chance they need, as the weapon charges itself to fire upon the Resistance’s base.

Kylo Ren manages to cut off Finn and Rey and using the Force, knocks Rey back into a tree, knocking her out. He roars at Finn for being a traitor, prompting Finn to ignite his Lightsaber. Kylo remarks that the lightsaber is his, Finn telling him to come and get it.



Finn is able to hold his own for a bit, until Kylo manages to best him in combat. He injuries Finn greatly, slicing him up the back, and Finn falls to the ground. He then turns to the Lightsaber and uses the Force to try and pull it to him. Only for it to fly right past him and into Rey’s outstretched hand.

The Resistance are able to use the X-Wings to destroy the core’s stabilizer, which then causes the entire planet to become unstable, as the energy begins to level it out.

Now armed with Luke’s Lightsaber, Rey engages Kylo in combat, being able to hold herself, beforetrying to retreat while fighting. The reach a ravine where Kylo has her cornered. He remarks on her ability to use the Force and offers to teach her the ways of the Dark Side. She closes her eyes, remember Maz’s words about using the Light within. She empowers herself and then begins to duel with Kylo once again.


Holy shit, this bitch knows how to swing a Lightsaber

She manages to overpower Kylo, breaking his lightsaber and scarring his face with a deep gash. The planet’s surface then cracks, causing a ravine to separate the pair. They both stare at each other for a bit, until Rey rushes off to find Finn. She finds him and they are picked up by Chewie in the Falcon.

We cut back to Hux, who’s speaking with Snoke about the planet’s imminent destruction, where he then tells him to bring Kylo to Snoke, so that his training can be completed. The other commanding officers in the base notice Hux has abandoned them, and they proceed to flee the base as well.

The planet then blows up, with the Resistance and the Falcon making it out alive. Back at the base, BB-8 communicates with R2D2 and the droid suddenly awakens. They piece together the map and discover where Luke Skywalker has been all this time. Rey consoles Leia about Han, before giving Finn her farewell. With the Falcon, she flies with Chewie and R2D2 to the planet and after climbing all these steps and reaching the top of a mountain…


Aaaaand cue the cinema erupting in a roar of cheers and claps

She then pulls out the Lightsaber and offers it to Luke, who stands there, looking at it.

And that’s where the movie ends.


Thoughts on the Movie


I love this Lightsaber

The movie was pretty good overall, in my opinion. However, I understand the frustrations that some reviewers out there had when they said that it was too much of a “rip-off” of A New Hope, with a bit of Empire Strikes Back in there.

Guys. The last Star Wars movie came out in 2005. It’s been 10 years since we’ve had original content from the Star Wars franchise. I feel that they needed to get the nostalgia out of the way in the first movie, so that the next 2 can be completely original with new stuff that we haven’t seen before. And to be honest, I’m totally OK with that.

I know the movie got a lot of shit put on it for other reasons as well, and some of those I can completely agree with.

Rey and the Force

I’m getting this one done and out of the way first. Rey’s mastery of the Force in such a short amount of time was something that I was annoyed at. If they had shown her using the Force subtly throughout the movie, such as unwittingly moving objects over an incredibly short distance, or showed her unintentionally influencing others, such as the fat asshole with the portions, it would’ve been understandable that she had this power all along.

And I’m not the only one who thinks this. Pretty much most of the reviews about this movie, called bullshit on Rey being able to use the Force as effectively as she did, with no training whatsoever.

Now, I’m sure that in Episode 8 & 9, we’re going to get a better look into how Rey is able to use the Force, as well as a look at her lineage. Everyone’s made the assumption that she’s Luke’s daughter or Kylo’s sibling, so on. But let me make one argument about that.

The theory about Rey being Kylo’s sibling is off the mark. Han and Leia made NO mention of them having another child, and they have no reason to lie about having only one child. So that theory can get in the bin.

The idea of Rey being Luke’s daughter is somewhat OK, but I would’ve liked for her to be penned down as an original character with 0 ties to the main cast. We already have the fallen son through Kylo Ren, we don’t need a family clash at the end of the series.


If I had cousins my age, this would be how we fight over shit

Kylo Ren and his Darth Vader Obsession

This is something that intrigued me. Throughout the last 6 films, we always saw the concept of a Jedi being tempted with the Dark Side. But never have we seen a villain being tempted by the Light. I have to say, I was impressed with how Kylo Ren was struggling to resist the urge of the Light Side and how he WANTS to be evil.

We see briefly that he toyed with the idea of letting the Light Side in, with Han on the bridge, but eventually he was able to control himself and embrace the Dark Side once again. I also love how he has little tantrums when shit doesn’t go his way.

But what REALLY got me was in an interview with JJ Abrams, the director of the new movie, was that Snoke viewed Kylo Ren as a focal point of both the Dark AND the Light, which is what makes him so powerful. I suppose the next movie will give us more details on that, but the obsession with Darth Vader is something that kind of made Kylo Ren a bit of a weaker character in my eyes.

The idea of Kylo admiring his Grandfather’s achievements as a Sith Lord is something that I can totally understand, but to speak to the helmet of Darth Vader… Model his appearance after him… He’s basically a kid playing dress ups and when he throws his tantrums, this further proves it. It’s hard to see how anyone can take Kylo seriously after seeing him erupt into a tantrum over everything, and that scene with the Stormtroopers turning the fuck around to leave just shows that this is a common occurrence.

Screen Shot 2015-12-23 at 2.50.10 PM.png.CROP.article250-medium.50.10 PM

Best Twitter Account ever

That Scene On the Freighter

That was the weakest part of the movie in my eyes. I’m sorry, but while it was nice to see Han Solo try to bullshit his way out of things like he used to, it really didn’t serve much to the plot. I mean, arguably you could say that the two gangs spotting BB-8 was a good way to inform the First Order about Han Solo, but that could’ve been done so much better.

That scene was a good 10-15 minutes, which we could’ve used in getting some more exposition about who the Knights of Ren are, a bit more about how Kylo Ren was seduced by the Dark Side, how the new Republic came into power, etc.

But yeah, this scene just didn’t do it for me and quite frankly, it would’ve been better if they had just cut it out.

The Fan Service

As I said before, this movie pretty much is a mix of A New Hope & Empire Strikes Back. Honestly, there are a lot of similarities in these movies and quite frankly, I’m OK with that. I know a lot of people are giving shit about this not being too original, that they rehashed the Death Star concept, right down to the point where Han told the Resistance;

“There’s always a way to blow something like this up”

Yeah, there is. Because you used the same fucking idea 3 times now. I liked that they upped the ante and made it capable of destroying star systems as a whole, rather than single planets, but that was about it.

C3P0’s cameo was not needed. Sorry, I don’t care for the mechanical Jar Jar, he should have been binned after the original trilogy. Sorry not sorry for those who like that idiotic robot.

But, with all this comes a positive. We got all that shit done and dusted in the first movie. That means the next 2 movies are going to be original. We’re going to be getting new content. And this excites me.



What I’d like to see in the next Movie

I want to see the First Jedi Temple that they’re raving about. Actually, I want explanations for a LOT of things. I want to see how Kylo Ren was seduced by the Dark Side and how he came to own Darth Vader’s helmet. I want to know more about Snoke and whether he was affiliated with Palpatine or if he’s been in charge of Palpatine to some degree. I want to know more about the Knights of Ren and who they are, because they’re certainly not Sith, that much is certain.

But I want explanations. I want to see how this new universe came to be after the defeat of the Empire.

I know a lot of people want action, etc. But that can also be mixed in with it too. Luke training Rey in the ways of the Force would be action-filled, while giving her explanations about what Kylo Ren did, as well as more lore about the Jedi way. Same with Snoke completing Kylo Ren’s training, in which we’ll discover more about the Knights of Ren and how Snoke fits in to all of this.

And then, in Episode 9, shit hits the fan and everything we learned in Episode 8 gets put into play.

Also, if they don’t name the next movie, or the last one “The Force Unleashed”, I will be disappointed. First game was good, second game was rubbish.


My Verdict

Overall, a good movie for people who are fans of the franchise. Some improvements needed, but still a good movie.

8/10 – May the Force Be With You


Disclaimer: All images/videos used in this review belong to their respective owners.

The Dragons – End of Season Review





8th. We finished in the 8th position, we made it to the finals, and it took a GOLDEN POINT KICK to finally defeat us. We showed you motherfuckers that we’re not a team of losers, but a team of champions who gave it their all. Motherfuckers ALL week were saying we were pretenders, that we were going to get smashed, that we were going to be destroyed, etc. WELL WE WENT OUT LIKE MOTHERFUCKING BOSSES & NO ONE CAN TAKE THAT AWAY FROM US. NO. FUCKING. ONE.

But, let’s get this show on the road.

Now before I continue, I feel as though I have to repeat something that I wrote in my other 2 Dragons blog posts.

– The following are my own thoughts and not influenced by anyone else.
– I don’t have any informants/spies/sources/double agents in the club feeding me information that a multitude of fans seem to have.
– I don’t know any of the players personally.
– I don’t usually take note of rumours spread by fans and the media… ESPECIALLY the media. (Ever heard of the phrase “Never let the Truth get in the way of a Good Story”?) BUT, for the sake of making this post, I will be addressing them throughout.
– I will be honest, and honesty usually equals harsh words. If you’re not happy with what I’m about to say, then too bad. If you’re a veteran reader of my blog, you know how my honesty goes.

Are we all on the same page now? Good. Let’s begin.


I swear, this was me during every game leading up to the Finals

The Lead Up to the Finals

Oh my God, the Dragons know how to build up my blood pressure and nearly put me into cardiac arrest. Seriously, the massive roller-coaster ride leading up to the Finals was just… Oh my god… Now, if you’ve read my last Dragons blog (Click here to see the Mid Season Review), we left off after the Round 13 game against the Bulldogs. I don’t know WHAT the fuck happened to us after that game… Injuries started popping up out of nowhere and we ended up losing the next 6 games straight. I felt as though my heart was getting ripped out of my chest for those games, seeing us drop down the ladder at an alarming rate. Roosters, Eels, Cowboys, Bunnies, Sharks, Storm. They all ripped us apart, injuries occuring left, right, & centre, Merrin suspended from Origin, morale dropping within the team and the fanbase, it was getting pretty dark out there for the Dragons fans. A lot of talk was being thrown around that Mary was a pretender, that he had no idea what he was doing, all that rubbish that everyone usually says when a team doesn’t do well.

And then we played the Knights, at home, on the Marvel Superhero Round & we fucking owned them, 46-24.



We came back in the 2nd half of that game and just LAID THE FUCKING SMACK DOWN ON THOSE ARACHNIDS! Oh god, it was beautiful to watch. Especially since I fucking hate Spiderman as a Marvel character. The following game was even better. Playing the Warriors, in New Zealand, keeping them scoreless 36-0. It was just a beautiful thing. 2 games, 2 wins, 2 massive margins for our For/Against scores, it was feeling like it was a start of a new winning streak… Until the Broncos screwed us over and wrecked us on the field.

Although… To be fair, we had travelled to NZ, trained and played there, then travelled straight to Brisbane, trained and played there. Lads were probably a bit tired from the travelling at that point. But, regardless, we were in a bit of a bind from that point.

The next three games, Panthers, Titans, & Tigers, were all very scrappy games. I think the injuries were starting to take their toll as our boys barely scraped through the Panthers and Tigers games to get the win, and then… After 3 fucking long ass years…


Yaaaaay! This dickhead's back!

This was legit me after the Tigers game

The Finals

We made it, motherfuckers. We fucking made it. For the first time since the dark Steve Price era, we made it into the finals. I’m not gonna lie, it was scrappy as hell and one HELL of a rollercoaster… But we made it. Of course, we had the usual “Dragons would choke” insults being thrown around by everyone, the media were saying that the Bulldogs were going absolutely smash us, etc. etc…


Everyone said that we were going to get smashed. Everyone. The media, Doggies fans, even some Dragons fans, everyone said that we were going to get our pants pulled down during that game. And do you know what the final score of that game was?



THAT’S IT! ONE Point… You wanna know HOW it got to one point? GOLDEN POINT. We finished that 80 minutes with the score being 10-10. We fucking stuck through to the very end. We actually managed to hold an even score with the Bulldogs, who have a squad experienced with finals footy mind you, and were able to go down with honour. But, the game itself was not without problems.

Kasiano and Pritchard are 2 of the fucking grubbiest players I’ve ever seen and it’s a MIRACLE that Gareth Widdop is not injured. Kasiano tried to rip Widdop’s head off, Pritchard literally knee’ed Gaz in the back… And they were not punished for it… I mean… Really?

Yes I am, Joshua. These two dickheads literally got away with it… Although, having your previous CEO as the Head of Football would do that…

Alas, we put up a valiant effort, but were defeated nonetheless… And you know what? I’m OK with that. I really am. I have NO bad feelings about going down with a fight, when we literally gave it our all. Benji Marshall got sent off due to injury, Joel Thompson’s hammy fucked up again, our players were getting battered and bruised… And we managed to get to an even level in a low-scoring game. I’m perfectly OK with the effort my team put in.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how our season ended…

Really, I'm not.

Really, I’m not.

Standout Players

Oh man, where do I even begin… A LOT of our squad stepped up to the plate this year and delivered some quality talent. Actually quite surprised that we did so well for a team that was initially going to get the Wooden Spoon, according to the “experts”. But with that said, here are my Top 5 Players who stood out in 2015:

5: Trent Merrin

4: Euan Aitken

3: Leeson Ah Mau

2: Gareth Widdop

1: Josh Dugan

Yep. These guys are the ones who stood out for me the most in 2015. I think that we have a diamond in the rough with Leeson Ah Mau in particular, given how every week he’s just put in the effort and continually improves his game. Mary seems to have brought out the talent in Ah Mau and I can only see it getting better.

Euan Aitken is another player who I think is a diamond in the rough. At the age 19 on debut (now 20), he’s shown a prodigious talent for Rugby League, with many Red V fans saying that he’s essentially going to turn into our next Matt Cooper. And, given how well he’s been performing for us over the year, that’s a fair assessment to make.

Gareth’s been awesome during this season. He’s really becoming one of our key play-makers and it’s clear that he’s someone who’s going to be a great asset to our team. I just wish he had a bit more control of the ball, because I’ve noticed that he tends to put on a much better performance when he’s not sharing control with Benji.

Trent Merrin’s played well for someone who’s leaving us next year to go to Penrith. Getting his debut Australian Rep Jersey this year, getting picked for Origin, he’s shown that he’s going to be missed next year in the Red V. Sure, he’s had a few blunders during certain games, but the stats don’t lie. He’s done a lot for our team whenever he touches the ball, and as I said before, he’ll be sorely missed by us.

But, my number 1 player of the year has to be Josh Dugan.

This has arguably been Dugan’s best season in the Red V and it’s pretty easy to see why. He’s been consistently performing well, he’s been picked for Origin as well as getting his debut Australian Rep Jersey, Duges has been nothing but class this year. One of our key play-makers, Dugan’s shown that when he touches the ball, he can make magic happen. Only criticism I have of Duges, is that he’s gotta pass the ball, but that’s about it. But it’s clear to see that Duges has come a long way from that young rascal who was drinking Crusiers on a rooftop.

Which, let’s face it, is probably the most exciting thing to do in Canberra anyway. Seriously, I went there for our Round 3 game against the Raiders & after 20 minutes of being in Canberra, I was already fucking bored out of my mind. (Note to self, rant about Canberra being boring later).

I am thoroughly convinced that this was a legit conversation

I am thoroughly convinced that this was a legit conversation

Farewells & Off Contract

So, we are letting go of some of our players, as all clubs tend to do, so it’s time to list the players who won’t be in the Red V next year:

Nathan Green (Manly Sea Eagles)
Dan Hunt (retired)
Justin Hunt (Wests Tigers)
Trent Merrin (Penrith Panthers)
Eto Nabuli (rugby union)
Rory O’Brien (Parramatta Eels)
Charly Runciman (Widnes Vikings)

Trent obviously is the biggest loss out the guys who are leaving us, given that he’s been one of our stand out players this year. Charly Runciman was a player who I think should’ve been promoted to wear the #2 this year. He’s played in that position before, he’s done well at it, so I don’t understand why he wasn’t selected. Regardless, good luck to him. I really hope we get him back in the Red V one day.

Nathan Green and Dan Hunt… Meh. Sorry, Dan’s done shit-all since last year, Nathan Green makes me cringe whenever he touches the ball. I’m honestly not going to miss either of them. They’re nice guys, I’ve met them and had a nice chat with them, but seriously, they should’ve been gone last year.

But, in terms of who’s Off-Contract with this for this year, there are only 1 players who I REALLY want to retain:

Craig Garvey

Yep. Craig Garvey. This kid has a LOT of potential as a hooker and, in my opinion, has already shown skills on par with Mitch Rein. Garvs was suspended for most of last year, following his assault charges for decking a dickhead in the face (Seriously, I’ve heard how that went down. If I were Garvs, I would’ve decked the fuckwit too). He’s been put down as off-contract for 2016, which I find strange, seeing how at the Coaches Forum earlier in the year, I had a chat with Peter Mulholland who said that Garvs is actually extended out to 2016, since he had that year off. But nonetheless, this is someone who will KILL it in the Red V and if the Dragons are smart, they’d hang onto him.

Thanks mate

Thanks mate

2016 Prediction

With the addition of big players, like Mose Masoe, Russell Packer, Tyrone McCarthy, & Dunamis Lui, as well as some utility players like Siliva Havili, the Red V are looking to have a fantastic 2016 season where a top 4 position is well within sights. I feel that once we sign some quality backs to cover the #2, as well as add some depth, then we’ll be a force to be reckoned with.

Paul McGregor has done WONDERS with a team that was penned at the beginning of the year to be Wooden Spooners, & it’s only going to get better from here.

My Prediciton for 2016:

2nd – 5th

Ideal 2016 Team List:

  1. Josh Dugan
  2. Peter Mata’Utia
  3. Kurt Mann
  4. Euan Aitken
  5. Jason Nightingale (Captain if Gaz is injured)
  6. Gareth Widdop (C) (Drew Hutchinson if injured)
  7. Benji Marshall (Drew Hutchinson if injured)
  8. Leeson Ah Mau
  9. Mitch Rein
  10. Mike Cooper
  11. Tyson Frizell
  12. Joel Thompson
  13. Mose Masoe
  14. Jack DeBelin (Edited because people are whinging about him not being there)
  15. Russell Packer
  16. Tyrone McCarthy
  17. Craig Garvey
I fucking love this team so much

2016 will be the Year of the Dragon

The Dragons – A Mid-Season Review

Yaaaaay! This dickhead's back!

Haters gonna hate, Dragons gonna dominate

Oh hey, NRL… Remember how you… Heh… “Predicted” that we were going to come 15th this year? Well, sorry to disappoint you, but we’re FUCKING 3RD! THAT’S RIGHT! WE’RE 3RD THE NERDS & I AM OK WITH THIS.

Wow. Just… Just wow… I literally have no words that describe the joy and pride that fills me whenever people mention the Dragons now. That’s not to say that I never did have any joy or pride, but it was disheartening to constantly read articles about how we kept losing, about how we’re not finals material, about how our forwards were too soft, and all that other bullshit that the media seemed to enjoy writing about us.

But, all that changed when a man named Paul “Mary” McGregor took over as our coach and got our gears going.

Now before I continue, I feel as though I have to repeat something that I wrote in my other blog post, predicting where I thought the Dragons would end up.

– The following are my own thoughts and not influenced by anyone else.
– I don’t have any informants/spies/sources/double agents in the club feeding me information that a multitude of fans seem to have.
– I don’t know any of the players personally.
– I don’t usually take note of rumours spread by fans and the media… ESPECIALLY the media. (Ever heard of the phrase “Never let the Truth get in the way of a Good Story”?) BUT, for the sake of making this post, I will be addressing them throughout.
– I will be honest, and honesty usually equals harsh words. If you’re not happy with what I’m about to say, then too bad. If you’re a veteran reader of my blog, you know how my honesty goes.

Are we all on the same page now? Good. Let’s begin.

God damn it

Mitch Rein is clearly annoyed that JBD’s Man Bun was still a thing

The Horror Start

Ugh… Those first 2 rounds were a nightmare to watch. ESPECIALLY Round 2 when the Tigers didn’t just catch us with our pants down, they pretty much ass-raped us. I mean, I had NO idea what the fuck was going on during those two first rounds. I actually called in a massive IOU from my boss, JUST so I could make it to Round 1 and see the new Dragons team come into effect.

I’d see Nabuli in the trials, I’d see how we went in the 9’s, Charity Shield, and World Club Challenge… I was optimistic and I was beaming with joy to see how we went. And then Round 1 happened, we lost to Melbourne, and I was just gutted. Round 2, thank GOD I wasn’t there to watch that. I’d heard about it from friends and social media and I actually contemplated calling to cops to report that the Tigers had fucking raped us in that game.

Of course, the fans weren’t happy, understandably so, and many were quick to blame McGregor for not changing anything on the team, as well as blaming players who didn’t perform well… Hell, I heard people fucking booing Trent Merrin in Round 1.

… Assholes… You do NOT boo Trent Merrin. Go fuck yourselves.

Pretty much what Duges said, you fuckwits

But regardless, there WERE some shocking performances by certain players in those rounds, the worst of them being Dane Nielsen. For someone who was penned as being an Origin player when we signed him, he showed NOTHING of the sort. He was horrible in defense, horrible in attack. And this motherfucker was with us for 2 years. No wonder people lost their shit about him. And it’s no wonder his attitude off the field is just as bad as it was on the field, given he was fired from the Dragons shortly afterwards for biting a woman on the leg.

… Wait. I’m actually curious now, what the hell was he doing to put his head in a position where he could bite a woman on the leg? Actually… No, I’d rather not know.

But all of our luck would take a MASSIVE turn for the better in Round 3.

This little champion is the cause for our turnaround, in my opinion

The Winning Streak

Oh. My. God. I LITERALLY have no idea what the fuck switched our boys on… But fuck me, what happened after Round 2 is just nothing short of divine intervention.


Fucking games.




6 FUCKING GAMES IN A ROW! WE WON 6 FUCKING GAMES IN A ROW! My god, I don’t even know where to begin with this epicness! Well, probably the Raiders game in Round 3, which is where it started.

Now, I’ve never actually been to GIO Stadium in Canberra, so this was a first for me. I got to drive for 3 hours to Canberra, I took a piss on the side of the road with my pants and undies around my ankles because fuck it, why not, and I got to see that Canberra is one fucking boring place that no one should ever see. But regardless, I got my ticket, I got hassled by security about my banner for no fucking reason, and then I got inside to watch the game.

The first 20 minutes? Woeful. I thought, fuck this, here we go again.

But then… I don’t know what happened… But the team just sparked up and fought back. I was legitimately shocked, it was like seeing a completely different team out there. Euan Aitken was on debut, Josh Dugan had been sin-binned for 10 minutes, which sparked the team even more… But the most epic part was that Joel Thompson scored a try, in Canberra, for the Dragons…

And I got on TV with my Thompson the Tank Engine Banner.




Right… Excuse me, I kinda lost track for a moment there…

But, regardless, the standout of Round 3 was definitely this kid.


Seriously, Euan Aitken is our lucky charm or something.

Euan Aitken. Man, this is a kid who I’m penning down as our next Matt Cooper. He was on 19 when he debuted and already, he’s putting some of our other centres on show. He had big wraps on him in the preseason, with the other guys saying how he’s a future star, etc. But why it took 2 horror rounds for this kid to get a start, is beyond me. Regardless, young Aitken still has plenty of time to develop his skills and become a kick-ass player.

And then from Round 3, it was all uphill from here. Win after win, we shot up the ladder and shut all the haters up. Those idiots who said that we would be coming 15th were probably getting the shits about how good our team was going. I do have to admit though, my favourite game in that winning streak was how we pumped the Doggies 31-6. Oh man, that game was amazing. I was in the Telstra suite, getting free food and booze, got to meet Runciman, Wakeman, Nutira, O’Brien, & Garvey, got photobombed by Nathan Fien, who is hilarious, & watching the Bulldogs get caught with their pants down in such a brutal game.

But life was good. We were getting up on the ladder, we were winning games, and the team was just looking amazing. Until we played Souths…

Call me a bitch again. I fucking dare you.

Hey, Joel, I know where some of these refs shop for groceries. Say the word & they “disappear”

The Bullshit Game & The Comeback

Yep. Bullshit 2015, people. We played against Souths, who are the reigning premiers, and they had help in their win over us… And by help, I mean the referees.

Mind you, this is bullshit that we’ve had to experience throughout the season. Refs making bullshit calls against us at crucial times. One prime example was the ANZAC Day game where Dylan Farrell’s blatant try was blatantly ignored.

Regardless, we had a good game against Souths… If the refs didn’t decide to just award Souths every fucking penalty under the sun… But I digress. It was a good game, marred by bad refereeing and ultimately, a weak display from our team. But, that’s not an insult by any means. 6 wins in a row, we were bound to lose one at some point. I mean, it’s not like this is a movie where we were going to go undefeated all the way to the finals, even though that’s how it totally should have happened.

But we bounced back, stronger than ever, giving the Raiders and the Sharks a massive beating in incredible games. The Sharks one was infinitely the better one though, in my opinion, and ultimately one of the best games I’ve been to in this year.

Local Derby at Kogarah, surrounded by a sea of Red and White (And a little tiny splotch of blue and white, but who gives a fuck about those guys), watching the Sharks get absolutely smashed with a mate who flew up interstate, watching another mate give the Sharks a glimpse of a full moon in broad-daylight, walking out onto the pitch after the game, meeting the players after the game…  God damn, that was a good game.

And then the Bulldogs and the refs, Gerard Sutton & Chris James, had to FUCK things up when we played against the Bulldogs…

Pretty much how I felt while watching the game via LiveStream from work

Don’t worry Craig, I’ll pin the fuckers down while you belt into them & we’ll come up with an alibi later.

Fuck These Refs

… You know what, I’m going to go there. We were robbed. 100%, we were fucking robbed. THE REFEREES ACTUALLY APOLOGIZED TO OUR PLAYERS AFTER THE GAME! Who does that? Who the fuck honestly does that? And then something APPARENTLY came out about Sutton saying that he felt conflicted about awarding certain penalties against the Dogs’ favour, as to avoid sparking the rage of the Bulldogs fans. In case you’re wondering why he has to be scared of those fans, basically a small minority of Dogs fans decided to assault the refs by throwing objects at them after their Good Friday game against Souths.

So… Just out of curiousity… If you feel as though you have to officiate a certain way, because you’re scared of how a team’s fans would react… Um… How about you just not officiate any game with that team in it? This is a serious question, how many more games is this clown going to screw up, because he’s scared of the Dogs fans? NRL, if you’re serious about improving the game then maybe you should start with the fucking referees influencing the games in certain ways, due to fear.

Oh, and before I forget;


Well… Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest…


Definitely a pic I’d like to see repeated at the Grand Final this year

Things We Improved On

There are a few things that we improved on, which include:

– Discipline, discipline, discipline. There has been an abundance of this around the team, and it’s clear to see that the results are well worth it. As I wrote in my Preseason Prediction, there was a blatant & evident huge lack of discipline in the Steve Price era & it was clear what the results of a lack of discipline were. Definitely a tick for McGregor.

– Defense. Holy shit, for those 6 weeks, we had a brick wall defense that was impregnable. We defended set after set, and it was just amazing. Granted, a few chinks in the wall have started to appear, but the wall still stands strong. It’s honestly looking like 2010 out there, as just as it was back then, Defense wins Premierships.

– Confidence. This is the biggest thing I’ve seen our boys have this year. You can see that they’re making stronger efforts than they were last year, and just like the other things I’ve mentioned, it’s clearly having a positive effect on the team. And I can only see it growing from here.

– The Team’s Unity is something that’s definitely been a big boost as well. The guys are just clicking together and it’s fucking amazing. Especially Widdop and Marshall, who had some troubles at the start but worked them out. Rein’s improved heaps as well, creating opportunities for others to strike, and our forwards are pretty much so good that 2/3 of them are picked for Origin (Why they didn’t pick Joel Thompson is completely beyond me, but I digress).

– Peter Mulholland. You beautiful, beautiful man… This guy just worked a fucking miracle and got Jason Nightingale to stay with the Dragons on a reduced contract, where as anyone else wouldn’t of been able to pull it off. Renewing Will Matthews was also another masterstroke. Now, while I don’t approve of some of his other choices (Beau Henry, Kris Keating, & Dane Nielsen, I’m looking at you assholes), he’s showing that he’s going to be a gun at keeping our star players at the club…

If only he could’ve helped us keep B-Moz and Mez, but that’s not his fault… That’s his boss’ fault, which I’m not going to go into.

But, basically, there’s some good shit happening at the Dragons at the moment & I’m loving every bit of it.



… I swear, this is legit one of my favourite pics of a Dragons player. Someone get Craig Garvey into First Grade, ASAP.

Anyways, back on track…

There you go ladies, who said I don't look after you.

Um… I’m starting to think George Rose has a bit of a fascination with our guys in Speedos…


My Prediction (Updated) for 2015

I can see that my previous prediction of 7th – 10th, is obviously an incorrect one. I AM HUMAN, GUYS! I MAKE MISTAKES LIKE THE REST OF YOU, OK? But honestly, it’s great to the see that the boys are beating our expectations and are just shooting up way past them. At the point of time from when I’m writing this, the Dragons are currently coming 3rd on the ladder, having tasted the top spot a couple of times in this season.

Dragons TV asked me what I thought about this during the Sharks game (No really, they did. Here’s the link, skip to 0:21 to see my beautiful ugly face on there), and I have to say that I’d stick by what I said.

Realistic Prediction: 4th-5th



Goku Approves

Goku Approves

Struggle Street – More like Bullshit Street

I'm not even going to make a joke about this

I’m not even going to make a joke about this

… What the actual fuck, SBS? I mean… What. The actual. Fuck.

Now, before I begin, I am going to go out and say that I grew up in Mt Druitt for a large portion of my life. Approximately from when I was born to just before I started High School. That’s about 12 years. Now, I know times have changed and I know that communities change significantly over time… But I’m sorry, this is just one thing that I honestly can NOT tolerate.

In case you don’t know what I’m talking about, I’m talking about a… Excuse me, I need a moment… A “Documentary” on the life of a selected amount of individuals who are localized entirely within Mt. Druitt and who are going through difficult times. Now, this seems legit enough when you first hear about it. It’s addressing the struggles of families in the area who aren’t doing so well. Not a bad thing, right? Of course not. Mt. Druitt is known for having a collection of “Housos” and junkies and other types of undesirables, so perhaps this would break that stigma that Mt. Druitt is associated with and maybe, just maybe, give these people a chance to not be labeled as drugged up bogans.

… And then I saw the ad…

Immediately, my rage flares upon seeing this. As I’ve said, I’ve grown up in Mt. Druitt and it isn’t as bad as what most people will paint it to be. Apparently SBS have followed these selected people for 6 months, gathering footage. But, despite my protests about this show and how it portrays a negative image about Mt. Druitt, I choose to watch it. And once I saw all 3 episodes, my rage just exploded.

6 months worth of footage. SBS had 6 months of footage and we were treated to seeing scenes that were designed to shock the audience. It’s pretty evident what sort of route they wanted to go down. Drugs being abused constantly, violence, so much swearing that it’d put South Park to shame, were just some of the things that the audience got a glimpse of. However, despite all that, there were some compelling scenes, such as people talking about the hardships they faced in their lives. The struggles of bullying, mental illness, drug addiction, and such were addressed throughout the documentary, but that’s not my gripe.

No, no, my gripe isn’t entirely about how these select groups of people were basically filmed for 6 months and then had that footage edited to make them out to be drugged up bogans. My gripe is that this show was localized ENTIRELY within the confines of Mt. Druitt and painted a negative image over the WHOLE suburb, instead of those individuals.

What am I talking about? Look back at the ad. First scene you see is of Sydney. The Harbour Bridge, the beaches, people swimming… And then you flash-forward to a sign that says Mt. Druitt and then you see footage of bogans. THAT is what I’m pissed off about.

This does not represent the entirety of Mt. Druitt.

This does not represent the entirety of Mt. Druitt.

But some of you are probably thinking that I’m over-reacting, that I shouldn’t be so upset about this, especially since I don’t live there anymore. Well, you see, I’m upset because when I was growing up there, I knew people who couldn’t get jobs because they were from Mt. Druitt. Why? Because people had the idea that everyone from there was a troublemaker. I heard stories about how people had to lie on their resumes to even be considered for the job, because employers didn’t want someone from there working for them.

That’s INCREDIBLY disheartening to hear, because despite the area having the reputation that it does, there are people who grow up there who go on to do amazing things. For example, Triple M’s Mark Geyer grew up in Shalvey, which is withing the city limits of Mt. Druitt, and he’s a radio host who had an amazing career in the NRL. One of my friends who grew up down the street from me did a double degree at University and has a great job and is set to be married soon. Hell, I went to University and graduated as a Graphic Designer.

Struggle Street addresses NOTHING about those sort of stories, or even mention other suburbs. They focus ENTIRELY on Mt Druitt and as a result of that, that reputation of Mt. Druitt being a cesspool for troublemakers and druggies has just been intensified. And if you think that this is an over-reaction to how it’s being perceived in the general public, think again.

Comments made by people include:
“Mt Druitt is a hole. Just leave it to rot and let the bogans kill themselves off”
“So many bogans there Id never go”
“If the whole place has preggo bitches smoking dope, just cut the funding and let them all die”

And, of course, made by people who have never actually lived there or even seen the place in person. I’m sorry, but that’s not on. An entire suburb has been branded as a drug-infested bogan hole, and pretty much damned a new generation of kids to being labelled in a negative manner, purely based on their post-codes.

If Struggle Street truly wanted to make an impact and wanted to show the struggles of people who are doing it hard, show more than just one area. And don’t restrict it to areas like Mt. Druitt, Doonside, and other suburbs in the Greater West where that reputation is hanging already. Show places that are normally perceived as nice suburbs, where these sort of people live. Because living in Greystanes now, I’ve seen my fair share of Housos and bogans here, despite the area having a really good market value for properties and having nice big houses on well-kept streets.

A show that addressed the issue as a Sydney-wide problem, rather than just mentioning other places while focusing entirely on one, would’ve made a much bigger impact and would’ve opened more people’s eyes. Hell, show other places in Australia as a whole to show that this is a national problem, rather than a local one.

Instead, all they’ve done is given people more fuel to label the people of Mt. Druitt as “Typical Westie Bogans. All for a bit of ratings.

Thanks for that, fuckwits.

The Dragons – A 2015 Prediction

Yaaaaay! This dickhead's back!

Yaaaaay! This dickhead’s back!

… Um… Thanks Duges?

But yes, I’m back… Hopefully 2/3 people still following this blog are happy about that while the other is probably just thinking “… This guy…”. As to why I’ve been gone, work + life = No time for Blogs.

… What? Game of Thrones is a VERY important thing and I’m anxiously waiting for Dragonball Xenoverse….

But regardless, I’ve got some spare time on my hands, so I figured I might as well spend it on writing about my personal thoughts for the upcoming season for my Rugby League team, The St. George Illawarra Dragons. I’ve already made a post about my beloved Dragons in the past, more or less pissing off some of the fan-base with this little piece here (True Supporters, I’m looking at you assholes).

But… Before I start, I feel there should be some kind of disclaimer, so let me get that out there now:

– The following are my own thoughts and not influenced by anyone else.
– I don’t have any informants/spies/sources/double agents in the club feeding me information that a multitude of fans seem to have.
– I don’t know any of the players personally… But I do have Joel Thompson, and former Dragon Brett Morris, following me on Twitter, not that it means anything.
– I don’t usually take note of rumours spread by fans and the media… ESPECIALLY the media. (Ever heard of the phrase “Never let the Truth get in the way of a Good Story”?) BUT, for the sake of making this post, I will be addressing them throughout.
– I will be honest, and honesty usually equals harsh words. If you’re not happy with what I’m about to say, then too bad. If you’re a veteran reader of my blog, you know how my honesty goes.

Now then… Let’s begin!


There you go, ladies. Half-Naked Dragon players. Who says I don't give back to the community

There you go, ladies. Half-Naked Dragon players. Who says I don’t give back to the community?

2014: The Year That Was

After an excellent start to the season, the telltale symptoms of Steve Price’s coaching ability sunk our Dragons to a whole new low. We were on the verge of getting our first wooden spoons, there were talks of players leaving because they didn’t like where the coach was taking them, so on so forth. Half-way through the year, the Dragons Admin decided to make a smart decision of axing Steve Price, after 2 EMBARRASSING losses to the Parramatta Eels and the Canterbury-Bankstown Bulldogs. Seriously, I actually left the Bulldogs game before half-time, because I couldn’t bear to see my team getting destroyed out there. Steve Price did the impossible. He made me walk out on my team during a game.


I don’t think you all understand exactly how significant that actually is. I’ve NEVER walked out on a game, no matter how bad, before that one… And to think, I blew off Mothers Day for that game.. Mum, I am SO sorry…

But once Price was axed, Paul “Mary” McGregor came in to take over and there was a big shift in how our players operated on the field. Attack was slightly better, Defense was slightly better, and we were nearly within reach of a Top 8 spot! But, bad luck dictated that 2014 was NOT going to be the Year of the Dragon, thus we missed out. And this where the fans started getting pissed off in the droves.

Proof that he'll always be ours

Proof that he’ll always be ours one way or another. YOU CAN’T TAKE THAT ONE AWAY BITCHES!

Brett Morris’ defection to the Bulldogs with one year to go on his current contract with us pissed off the fan-base to a whole new level. Seriously, you’ll understand why we’re Dragons supporters because the fires were raging hard at that time. Talks had been going on for months and then it was finally confirmed. I’ve already covered how I feel about the matter in this piece here, so I’m not going to repeat myself.

After that, more shit hit the fan with signing players such as Kris Keating, George Rose (who is fucking awesome and I love him as a player), Justin Hunt, and then renewing players like Nathan Green, and then losing players such as B-Moz, Jack Bird, and Adam Quinlan.

To top it all off, Trent Merrin’s come out and admit that he won’t be with us next year, and now there are talks that Jason Nightingale and Ben Creagh will be renewed with us. Fucking A…

One thing you have to know about us Dragons fans is that we DEMAND perfection. I’m not going to lie, I’m somewhat guilty of this. We know that we are one of the proudest clubs in the game with a history that’s almost legendary. I mean, how many other teams fucking won 11 years in a row. 11. Fucking. Years. In. A. Row. If THAT is not an achievement to be proud of, I don’t know what is. BUT, as in my post about Dragons Fans and their Passion… We often look to the past as a precursor for how our future should be. Which isn’t a good idea, considering the game has changed so much that NO team will ever be able to pull a feat like that again. Ever.


The Mistakes Made

Call me a bitch again. I fucking dare you.

The sort of look my Dad used to give when I fucked up as a kid

Just going to cover the basic ones, not write a whole essay on all the problems, because let’s face it… There were a few.

1) Dan Hunt being played constantly at First Grade
You just had to watch the Nine’s Tournament to see that Dan Hunt just isn’t cut for First Grade anymore. Killed it back in 2010, but since then, he’s just been on the decline. Nice guy, loved chatting with him at Meet & Greets, but speaking as a fan of my team, he’s just not right for us anymoe. 2016 is when he’s off-contract and unless he REALLY picks his game up, I don’t see him being renewed. Hell, I’d rather get rid of him now so that we can use our cap for someone who actually can play Rugby League.

2) Joel Thompson vs Steve Price
I’m under the DISTINCT impression that Thommo and Price did not get along. The guy signs with us and in the first year, there are talks that he wants to go back to Canberra? And then when Price is axed, McGregor comes in, who he performed well under, and now he wants to stay all of a sudden? Considering how Price was playing Thommo from the bench and constantly shifting him around in positions… Fuck me, I’d probably get the shits too and want out. Thank god that mistake was taken care of, because then my Thompson the Tank Engine banner would be useless.

3) The Lack of Discipline
Oh this is the BIGGEST mistake. I’m sorry (Not really), but Steve Price did NOT come across as an authoritative figure. I consider myself somewhat OK at reading people’s body language. I’m not going to say that I’m Charles Xavier and can read minds, but I’m more like that guy from Lie To Me. You know… The one who can tell if you’re lying from body language… Anyways, Steve Price didn’t seem like the sort who would bring the axe down on someone if they made silly errors constantly. And it showed on the field when the boys were playing.

4) Nathan Green
… Why the fuck is he still playing for us? Seriously, why?  Him and Dan Hunt both.

5) Lack of Home Grounds
Oh this is probably one of the biggest mistakes we’re making as a club. ANZ is a good stadium for events like State of Origin. That’s it. Regular games being held at ANZ? No thanks. I seriously don’t like how heritage home grounds like Kogarah are being ignored and we’re being forced by Doust to endure games at ANZ and Alliance. I love the Hill and being able to cheer my team from it… Not sit on plastic seats with gum underneath them.

6) The Lack of Love for the Fans
Oh. Yes. This is one that EVERY Dragons fan is probably feeling at the moment. As a club, the Dragons should keep members informed about the inner-workings of the club as we’re the ones who fork out our hard-earned cash every year for memberships. But, this is not the case. One example was the Brett Morris situation. There were rumours flying left, right, and centre, and the fans were left completely in the dark about the whole thing until the very end. I know I wrote the club a couple of times, asking for an update on the situation. What was I told? Basically the same crap that was being posted on social media at that time.

And then there’s the member packs, which in all honesty, have gotten worse each year. This year is by far one of the worst. I actually renewed my membership all the way back in November 2014. STILL NO MEMBERSHIP PACK GUYS! Come on guys… Seriously. We contribute to your paycheck. Give us the respect we deserve.


The New Kids on the Block

Poor Euan Aitken. Poor Kid's just sitting the back like "Guys! I want to be in the photo too!"

Poor Euan Aitken. Poor kid’s just sitting the back like “Guys! I want to be in the photo too!”

So with the departure of B-Moz…

Fuck… Excuse me for a moment, I need to just take a breather… Saw him in a Bulldogs jersey for one of their trials and it’s making me emotional… Ok, I’m good…

So, after… That event… The Dragons have gone into Recruitment Overdrive by announcing a fuckton of new signings, most of which are one year contracts. One Year contracts are totally OK in my books.

New faces on the team:

Fraser Alcock (2015)
Beau Henry (Gold Coast Titans, 2015)
Justin Hunt (Parramatta Eels, 2015)
Kris Keating (Hull Kingston Rovers, 2015)
Heath L’Estrange (Sydney Roosters, 2015)
Eto Nabuli (Penrith Panthers, 2015)
Dane Nielsen (New Zealand Warriors, 2016)
Rulon Nutira (2015)
George Rose (Melbourne Storm, 2015)
Adam Tuimavave-Gerrard (New Zealand Warriors, 2016)

Promoted from u20’s:

Euan Aitken
Shannon Crook

Now you’re probably wondering why I’ve put certain names in bold. Why? Because those are the names that I’m hoping to see get more first grade experience. Now we’ve already had some trials, with the 9’s tournament, Charity Shield, and the World Club Challenge, and let me tell you… Geninuely surprised by some of these new guys on the field.

The one who’s honestly surprised me the most, was Eto Nabuli.

Not only is he a talented player, he's also an excellent contortionist.

Not only is he a talented player, he’s also an excellent contortionist.

This is the guy we got to replace B-Moz and when I first heard about him… Fuck me, I was so pessimistic about this guy. I ranted about how B-Moz is superior, that this nobody from Fiji is just going to suck, etc… Oh man… How wrong was I. From the 5 times I’ve seen him play, I’ve seen 5 outstanding performances. A hat trick of tries during the 9’s, fantastic defensive try-savers, and then that flying tackle in the World Club Challenge.

God. Damn.

Don’t get me wrong, Brett Morris is easily the best in the world on the wing, and he’ll always be my number 1 choice for a winger… But this guy is showing a lot of promise and the best part is, we got him for peanuts. I’m all for discounted talent, so this guy is a definite tick in my books.

Then there’s Heath L’Estrange. Now, I’ve always wanted Craig Garvey to take the role as back-up hooker and I still stand by that. But L’Estrange has also surprised me during the 9’s and Charity Shield. I thought that we were going to struggle with this guy, but it turns out that he’s actually a skilled player who can exercise a decent level of control on the field. It’ll definitely be interesting to see how he plays during the season.

Euan Aitken is showing a HELL of a lot of promise for a 19 year old kid. It’s amazing, I can definitely see him being on the same level as Matt Cooper in the future. Great defense, tackles hard, definitely looking forward to seeing this kid develop throughout the year.

And then there’s George Rose… Fuck, I love big Georgie…

Oh my god, he looks like Baymax in a Dragons jersey!! I LOVE IT!

Oh my god, it’s Baymax in a Dragons jersey!! I LOVE IT!

George motherfucking Rose. I fucking love big Georgie, and that’s certainly in a non homo way. A lot of people weren’t happy about George getting signed, but I fucking loved it. We needed size in our forward pack, and George is packing nothing but size. Now, I have to admit, I was certainly worried that George would be busy eating kebabs instead of training, but after seeing him in action… I have to say that I’m happy that we got him. He’s an impact player for sure, meaning we’ll only use him in short bursts, but I’m totally OK with that. And with news that Merrin is leaving us for good now, I think George will be a good replacement for his bench spot.


The Prediction for 2015

So, here it is. What I think for 2015. Well, other people have beat me to this already, like the NRL Website’s Prediction and th… Uh… What? 15th?! … What the fuck are these dickheads smoking, fucking 15th? Really? I mean… Really?

Yeah, I’m with Duges on this one, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, NRL? Fucking 15th… OK.. OK, let me break this down in a way that you morons at NRL HQ can understand this…

I know we’re not a premiership winning side as of yet. I’m aware of this. But to say that we’re basically second to last is a fucking joke in itself. You’re telling me, that a team with:
Josh Dugan, the future NSW Fullback
Euan Aitken, one of the best newcomers to be stepping up this year
Eto Nabuli, someone who’s actually doing an excellent job at replacing the irreplaceable BRETT. MOTHERFUCKING. MORRIS.
Gareth Widdop, one of the best halves in the game
Benji Marshall, who’s arguably getting his groove back
Joel Thompson, the motherfucking Tank Engine who’s been KILLING it lately
Trent Merrin, the $800K player that the Panthers and Broncos are fighting over

You are telling me that a team comprised of THOSE bad-asses… Are coming 15th.

… Yeah, no.



MY prediction?

Easily 7th to 10th.

My Preferred Team Line Up for the Year:

1) Josh Dugan
2) Eto Nabuli
3) Euan Aitken
4) Peter Mata’Utai
5) Jason Nightingale
6) Gareth Widdop
7) Benji Marshall
8) Rory O’Brien
9) Mitch Rein
10) Mike Cooper
11) Tyson Frizell
12) Joel Thompson
13) Ben Creagh

14) George Rose
15) Trent Merrin
16) Leeson Ah Mau
17) Heath L’Estrange/Craig Garvey (I like the #GarveyModeEngage, so he has to be there somewhere.)

Deep Blue Sea – Review (Spoilers, obviously)

I'm about to be eaten by a shark... But first...  Let me take a selfie!

I’m about to be eaten by a shark… But first…
Let me take a selfie!

Hello, I’m not the Nostalgia Critic. I don’t remember things because fuck you, that’s why.

Ok, in all seriousness, this is not a rip-off of the Nostalgia Critic or anything, it’s just that I don’t actually get around to watching movies in the cinema that often and, more or less, I prefer to review a movie AFTER the DVD/Blu-Ray release has been released. So, in an effort to bring more material, I’m going back in time to re-watch some of the older movies that I’ve seen growing up, and then doing a review about them. So don’t think of this as a Nostalgic Review… Think of it as a review based on nostalgic material.

Confused yet? Good. That was my reaction to this movie. Now, I’ve grown up OBSESSED with sharks. I’ve read about them, studied them, and know my shit when it comes to sharks. The guys who made this movie? No fucking idea. So you will see me putting that knowledge to use when I tell you what’s wrong with this movie. And as with all my reviews, there are spoilers in here obviously.

This, is Deep Blue Sea.

The movie opens up with a bunch of teens getting wasted on a boat in an obvious pool inside of a studio. Get used to me bitching about the obvious sets, there are a LOT of those in this movie. During the party, the boat rocks a bit and spooks some of the teens. A bottle of wine gets knocked over, pouring the red liquid into the water. And here is my first nitpick of this movie. The way the wine looks in the water, the movie guys are trying to make it look like blood. Um, let me break it down for you, guys. Sharks know the difference between blood and wine. Two examples:
A) Two-thirds of a shark’s brain is dedicated to its sense of smell.
B) If you put a Lemon Shark into an Olympic sized pool and put a SINGLE drop of blood, he’ll find that fucker.
Wine does not equal blood, movie. Get your shit right. Mind you, this is literally two minutes into the movie.

God, I’m going to need a fuckton of vodka for this.

Anyways, the shark breaks through the middle of the boat and knocks the teens into the water. They’re about to be eaten, before they’re saved by the Punisher himself, Thomas Jane.

You killed my family, Shark Prepare to die

You killed my family, Shark
Prepare to die

Cut to a boardroom where out leading lady, Saffron Burrows, is having a meeting with some CEO guy and Nick Fu, I mean Samuel L Jackson, about the shark getting loose from the compound. We also learn that they’re using the sharks as a means to find a cure for Alzheimer’s Disease. She gives herself 48 hours to produce results or she’ll give up the project, with Jackson agrees to. We then travel to the compound where we’re treated to Jane pulling an impossible move to get a license plate out of a shark’s mouth. Seriously, this guy has to be Aqua-Man to pull this shit off. There is NO way a Human Being can generate enough power, underwater mind you, to thrust himself out of a shark traveling at high speeds towards them. In Soviet Russia, Physics are broken by YOU! Anyways, we get to meet the other characters and get some exposition about what the plot is about so far. We have LL Cool J who’s the religious chef with a smart-ass parrot. We have Stellan Skarsgard being introduced as he’s pissing into the wind, as Stellan Skarsgard should be introduced, along with Jacqueline McKenzie as his fuck-buddy. We have Michael Rapaport as the nerd, and Aida Turturro as the bitch in the watch-tower who just stays in there for most of the movie.

We also learn that the test sharks are very different to regular sharks, as they’ve had their brain capacities increased in order to harvest protein for research, which is giving them enhanced intelligence as the sharks are behaving very differently now, such hunting in groups.

And this is nitpick number 2. The movie has made it clear that the sharks are Mako Sharks. For those of you who are not educated in Shark Biology, allow me to show you what a Mako Shark looks like.

An actual Shortfin Mako Shark

An actual Shortfin Mako Shark

This is what the movie gives us.

Movie's version of a Mako Shark

Movie’s version of a Mako Shark

See the difference? No? Well allow me to show you this.

Great White Shark

Great White Shark

A FUCKING GREAT WHITE SHARK! They make the Mako Sharks in their movies look like GREAT WHITE SHARKS! I mean… Come on, Movie. Yes, the audience isn’t going to be well-educated about sharks and the different types of sharks out there… But please don’t insult our intelligence by showing us one species of Shark when it’s actually another, completely different species of Shark altogether. It’s like showing a black guy and calling him white. THERE IS A FUCKING DIFFERENCE!

… Anyways…

Burrows’ birthday is happening and Jackson inquires about the sharks and how they’ve managed to get so far without genetic tampering, which is obviously going to be proven wrong at some point because the movie makes it obvious. We get some dialogue between Burrows and Jane and we see that Burrows has the personality of a rock. Seriously, lady, it’s your fucking birthday and you have probably the hottest guy in your oceanic lab asking you out. Stop being so hellbent on your research and fuck him already. Anyways, Jane asks Rapaport to raise the height of the fences surrounding the compound, since he thinks the shark got out by jumping over it.

Nitpick 3: Mako Sharks are capable of leaping about 20 feet into the air, since they’re the fastest of all the shark species. Raising the fences ain’t going to do SHIT  unless they’re about 30-40 feet high. Jane thinks a few more feet higher will stop a Mako from getting over. HAH! Good luck with that, pal.

Anyways, we cut to the big day where they’re testing to see if all their research amounted to anything. The watchtower lady informs us that a storm is coming while they all prep for the procedure. Jane goes into a metal framed tunnel to lure the sharks out and two attack at the same time, shocking the scientists about how synchronized they are. Jane raises his gun, only to see the sharks swim backwards for a moment before leaving. The scientists are shocked that the sharks were able to recognize the gun, as well as swim backwards. Good thing they’re as shocked as I am, because it is physically impossible for sharks to swim backwards. Higher brain function can NOT change that. If water goes backwards through gills, the shark will literally drown. Regardless, the sharks begin to take out all the cameras in the water, scaring the scientists some more. Jane goes out of the tunnel’s safety and manages to lure a shark into a trap, shooting it with a tranquilizer gun.

Oh hai, are you interested in learning about what happens when a human is eaten by a shark?

Oh hai, are you interested in learning about what happens when a human is eaten by a shark?

Jane then uses his apparently super-human strength to get the shark onto a loading bay where it’s taken into the lab, where it’s kept alive in a pool of water that’s jetting water into it’s mouth so it’s gills can work. The scientists take out some of the brain matter and sees that their project is a success. Skarsgard gets too close to the shark as it suddenly awakens and bites his arm off. In the panic, Jane reaches for his shot-gun to kill the shark, only for Burrows to release it since she knows the sharks now have the cure that she was hoping for. Skarsgard is loaded into a helicopter, which came out of nowhere, seeing as how a massive storm is raging outside and no more than a few minutes had passed since they called for one. Seriously, is this helicopter traveling at supersonic speeds or something? Anyways, the scientists hook up Skarsgard’s gulley to the helicopter via cables and then host him up. Due to the storm, Skarsgard’s gulley dangles too much and he falls into the water below. The scientists make their way back to the lab to try to see where he went. The sharks grab Skarsgard underwater and, since he’s wired up to the helicopter still, manage to drag the helicopter into the facility, thus destroying the helicopter and damaging most of the compound, resulting in flooding in some areas. Watch-tower Lady is killed, but no one gives a fuck.

LL Cool J, having been in the kitchens the whole time on another level, freaks out about the explosion which rocks the facility as the scientists are thrown about in the laboratory by the force of the explosion. After gathering themselves, the scientists try to contact Watch-Tower Lady, unaware that she’s dead. They soon discover one of the sharks swimming towards the huge glass window in the lab, pushing Skarsgard’s gulley towards them at high speed. The shark forces the gulley into the window, shattering it and filling the lab with water. The scientists make it out and seal the lab doors to prevent the rest of the facility flooding. They also come to realize that with the elevators sealed and the stairway flooded, they can’t escape.

Oh hell no, I am NOT going to do another duet with J-Lo. I'd rather be eaten by the sharks.

Oh hell no, I am NOT going to do another duet with J-Lo. I’d rather be eaten by the sharks.

LL Cool J in the mean time, is wandering around the level he’s stuck on, trying to find any of the survivors. He’s religious, so naturally talking to God helps him feel better. Too bad God’s a dick, because as soon as he finds a set of stairs that AREN’T flooded… Motherfucker gets shit-loads of water thrown onto him. Now, I’m not going to lie. I saw that scene and thought “God damn, that must’ve been awesome to film…”. Anyways, we cut back to the others, who hear a door banging. They realize the room is flooded and the banging is coming from a shark. They escape into a non-flooded maintenance area, sealing the door behind them to prevent it from being banged open… Wait. Wait, wait, wait…

How the fuck is there a way out of that level, when they just established that there was no way off that level? Elevator was sealed to prevent water flooding it and the stairs were flooded. What the fuck, movie? CONSISTENCY!

Anyways, Jackson is not pleased that a shark was able to bang it’s way through a steel door. Burrows reveals that her and Skarsgard broke the law to increase the shark’s brain size to harvest more protein from them, which resulted in them getting smarter. Well… Not really reveal, since the clues have been there throughout the whole fucking movie. The other scientists are visibly upset as Skarsgard’s fuck buddy is pissed off that Burrows’ creations killed her boyfriend, and Jane is pissed because he feels used. They decide to get a move on and we cut back to LL Cool J, who’s wandering the conveniently half-flooded hallways looking for his pet bird. Yeah, because when you’re stuck in a flooded underwater lab, first thing you think of is finding your fucking pet bird. Dude, fuck the bird and get out of there! Well, because of his stupidity, he runs into a shark and wades away from it as fast as he can.

Nitpick 3:
HUMANS CAN NOT OUTRUN A SHARK IN THE WATER! Movie, are you fucking high? You HONESTLY expect us to believe that a man half-submerged in the water can out-wade a shark that is swimming at him full force? MAKO SHARKS ARE THE FUCKING FASTEST SPECIES OF SHARK! It’s like comparing a snail to Sonic the Hedgehog, there’s not fucking competition. In waist-deep water, sharks can swim quite fast, let alone the fucking fastest of them. LOGIC, MOVIE! FUCKING LOGIC!

Oh HELL no, I am NOT going to be the first brother to die in this movie.

Oh HELL no, I am NOT going to be the first brother to die in this shitty movie.

God… Anyways… LL Cool J manages to hide in the kitchens where he finds his pet bird, sitting on a floating pot. He tries to reach for it, but the shark attacks, eating the bird in the process. LL Cool J grabs a nearby fire axe and hides in a nearby oven as the shark rams into it to try to get at him. The shark’s ramming causes the splashing water to turn the dial of the oven on and LL Cool J doesn’t feel so cool in there. He gets pissed off and starts comparing himself to biblical characters as he cuts through the top of the oven to escape from it as the shark breaks through the glass.

So wait… The sharks can bust through a steel door that’s sealed in place, but they can’t break thin glass easily? God damn it, Movie…

LL Cool J busts through the top of the oven as the room begins to fill with gas. He manages to get out of the room in time as the shark realizes that he’s not in the oven anymore. He then lights his lighter up and throws it into the gas-filled kitchen, blowing up the shark and rocking the facility.

… OK, I’m calling bullshit.
A) The room needs more than a few seconds to fill up with enough gas for an open flame to cause an explosion like that.
B) The lighter should’ve blown up LL Cool J when it lit up, not be on standby until it hits the shark’s nose.
C) The explosion shouldn’t of been powerful enough for the scientists to feel it on the bottom level.

Movie, you REALLY like insulting my intelligence, don’t you?

We then cut back to the scientists who have managed to get to the lowest level of the facility through the magic maintenance shaft, in effort to use the submarine to get to the surface. Sucks for them, because the sub is destroyed and Jackson suggest they swim out. The nerd shuts that idea down by stating that humans swim at 2 feet per second on average, while sharks swim at 50 feet per second on average.

… THANK YOU! You just proved my point about how LL Cool J’s escape from the shark when he first saw it was bullshit, Movie. Thank you for being hypocritical.

So, in typical Samuel L Jackson fashion, Jackson gives an epic speech about he’s sick of these motherfucking sharks in this motherfucking facility… Until this happens.

I mean… That shark LITERALLY cut him off as he was about to get to the most epic part of his speech… Kinda like Kanye West with Taylor Swift…

Anyways, the scientists decide to go up the elevator shaft, despite that opening it will result in the air pressure weakening enough for the ocean to completely flood the facility. They seal off the the door to prevent the water from filling the shaft, as well as prevent the sharks from following, which is to no avail as the sharks’ super strength bust the steel doors down and the shaft begins to fill with water. The ladder breaks and McKenzie falls into the water and is devoured by the shark. As the shaft fills and all hope is gone, LL Cool J comes to save the day.

Black Jesus saves the day He also brought the chicken

Because LL Cool J doesn’t need any more of an inflated ego

So after the scientists are saved, Jane and Rapaport decide to empty out a stairway full of water by diving into the lab that was first flooded. They make their way down, running to Skarsgard’s drowned corpse along the way and manage to successfully turn on the power to empty the stairs…

Only for the shark to come at the last second and slam Rapaport into the electricity board, killing that plan along with Rapaport.

While all this is going on, Burrows decides to head to her room to get her research data, so that this whole movie’s plot isn’t a waste. She finds that her room is halfway flooded (convenient), and that she’s not alone. She pulls an LL Cool J and is able to break physics enough to wade away from a “Mako” shark enough to strip off her rubber suit and break off a live wire to throw into the water, killing the shark and protecting herself from electric shock.

Bullshit call #2: Why is that shark that killed Rapaport still alive after slamming something into a live electricity board? I mean, the fucking power was on and water conducts electricity. Sure, there’s a fuckton of ocean for it to disperse through, but the shark was RIGHT at the source of the electricity. Burrows killed the shark with electricity by throwing a live wire into it’s fucking mouth. I mean… FUCK, movie!

Water + Electricity = Bad times. Hell, even POKEMON is consist enough to get this right. And this is the anime that makes a clash of bubbles and leaves result in an explosion.


God… Damn it…

Anyways… Burrows discovers that her data was destroyed by the shark being electrocuted and then heads back to rejoin the others. They head to an airlock chamber where they decide to swim out to the surface, which is about 60 feet. They use fire extinguishers attached to life vests to distract the last shark as they make it to the surface. Burrows and Jane make it out of the water as Cool J is snatched by the shark. But since this movie already killed one black guy, Cool J escapes the shark’s jaws by stabbing it in the eye with his Cross and makes it out the water.



As Jane and Burrows watch over the destroyed facility sinking into the water, they finally realize what the shark wants. Freedom. The facility’s fences are titanium underwater, but on top they’re steel. The sharks were herding them to sink the facility in order to escape through the regular fence…

Bullshit Call #3: Same as Nitpick 3. Mako Sharks are capable of leaping about 20 feet into the air, since they’re the fastest of all the shark species. THE SHARKS COULD HAVE JUST LEAPED THE FENCE WITHOUT DOING ANYTHING!

Thank God, this is nearly over…

Anyways, Burrows decides that it’s time for the Shark to die and Jane comes up with an idea to use a lot of flare powder in a dart that has a wire attached to it. Once the shark is shot, the wire is tapped onto a battery and it blows up. … I’m not even going to go into how stupid this idea is. Why? Because MythBusters beat me to it already. Jane can’t land the shot because the shark is too far, so Burrows decides to cut her hand and make herself bait. It works and the shark comes up to her… Only for her realize that she’s trapped in the water and the shark eats her ass.

Hot damn, having this bitch for dinner.

I know you created me and all… But OM NOM NOM!

Jane, having dived to try to save her, is now stuck in the water as well. But he evades the shark’s bite and grabs onto it’s dorsal fin as he rides the shark underwater, the shark trying to shake him off. Cool J manages to recover himself enough to grab the gun with the dart and shoots the shark, only to hit Jane as well, pinning him to the shark. As the shark swims away, Cool J debates whether to kill Jane with the shark. Jane gets ripped off the shark as it escapes and Cool J taps the wire on the battery just as it’s about to unfurl all the way. The shark blows up and Jane survives.

They both wait as the next shift sail in to pick them up.

And the movie ends…

That's basically what I thought of this movie

That’s basically what I thought of this movie

I mean… Wow… Just… This is a bad movie, people. It’s bad. The acting is somewhat OK, but for a movie based on sharks, this is so ridiculous that it’s not even funny. I mean… GREAT WHITE SHARKS! THEY WERE FUCKING GREAT WHITE SHARKS! Why would you call a blatantly obvious thing something else entirely? I mean…. THE FUCK? And the amount of bullshit physics in this movie is ridiculous… Humans wading faster than a shark swimming at full speed… Just… Fuck this movie, guys. Fuck this movie.

My Verdict

A piece of fucking shark shit.

2/10 – Sleeping with the fucking Fishes